a writers dilemma

and how this platform has made me better

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I am not a liar. But I am also not always honest.

Every person on earth- and I believe this wholly- lies at least some times. And some lies are kind. (in my opinion; as I am the writer of this publication and as it is personal essay and not journalism, I hope that it is implied that by virtue of writing from my perspective I am writing my opinions.) Take for example- a friend is on a promising second date. She is nervous about her outfit, though it’s her second date staple. Jeans, casual but on trend pumps, and a slinky going out top. She's just walked into a bar where she’s meeting her date for a pre-dinner cocktail. Her new interest is dressed more formally and conservatively, he says they’re going to a new restaurant she mentioned wanting to try. Exciting! But she’s undressed. It’s too late to go home and change, she’s insecure and embarrassed about looking inappropriate at the restaurant. She sneaks to the bathroom and texts you for reassurance- will her ripped jeans be conspicuously inappropriate?

The honest answer (remember this is my hypothetical- at this imaginary restaurant her outfit will be inappropriate and conspicuous even if she looks phenomenal) would be to tell her that it is a little inappropriate but this was such a nice gesture on his part no one will care. But you know your friend! She is very nervous and excited about the date and feeling like she’s made a misstep will shake her confidence (there is a ton of Cancer in her chart) and so instead you tell her that she looks perfect! She’s wearing an outfit she looks amazing in and she’ll fit in just fine at the restaurant. You tell her to be confident and she’ll slay. Whether she totally believes you or not, it gives her the boost she needs and the date goes well.

I would argue that while you weren’t honest- telling this white lie to your friend was a nice thing to do. There is more moral grey area in the world than almost any of us are comfortable with. There are also harmless but pointless lies. “I’m so sorry, my dog threw up and I cannot make it to dinner.” (You double booked and didn’t realize until the last minute.) These kinds of lies are kinder in the moment but they also create more anxiety for the teller. It’s probably best to stop telling them. At least, I am trying to as much as I can.

And there is a third kind of dishonesty that was common in my life. And that is that I sometimes avoided being emotionally honest with people in my life because I do not want to hurt them. But I am a writer and I needed to be emotionally honest with my readers. Reconciling those two things was difficult. On the one hand, I try to be very aware that what I write effects some of the people in my life- not just me. I try very hard to respect the privacy of the people in my life as much as possible while still writing things that are reflective of my experiences and thoughts. I have also started being much more honest with the people close to me about how I am feeling. Better that they hear it from me than read it in their inbox. It’s still a struggle but it’s been a personal growth too. One that I am proud of.

All of that to say, I am finishing a book proposal for a memoir and am considering which details of my life to share- which means not only being honest about my mistakes and flaws but also honest about other people’s mistakes and flaws. I want to be honest and tell the whole story but I don’t want to be gratuitous and harm people I love. I’m not sure where, exactly, the balance is yet. I’m trying to remember it may never matter- the book might not sell, anyway.

I love you I mean it!

Hannah

PS: I would love to know where you find the balance between being honest about your life and protecting the people in it.