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Hello my girls!
I apologize for the brief delay in sending this email to you! I hope you had a wonderful week. I am in a bit of a surreal holding pattern- my boat is for sale and I am sad to see this chapter end. I am also eager to get back to New York and start to have more structure, work, and friends in my life. I am overwhelmed by logistics and planning from afar for a new version of my New York life. (My girls- I am putting myself on a budget! I realize this is tremendously privileged but I have never been on a budget before- I have been either so young and so broke that budgeting does not make sense or in a financial situation where budgeting seems useless. I’m excited about it!) All of that to say! Today I am answering some advice questions sent in by you, my sister’s friends, and some others. If you like this feature please let me know and perhaps it can become a monthly part of Moxie.
All my love and then some,
Hannah
What do I do when someone takes the bad mood out on me and I am continuously blamed for the way they feel?
This is so hard and I am so sorry it is happening to you. You need to protect yourself first. Find some small coping mechanisms that help when you are on the receiving end of someone else’s bad mood. When someone’s bad mood turns to them insulting you, go get a coffee, go for a walk, write in a journal, take a workout class, call a friend. Many things will work! Do not- and I know this is hard- spend your energy trying to fix someone else’s bad mood when they aren’t treating you well. If someone is grumpy, a small gesture of love can help. But grumpy is different from taking personal issues out on loved ones. I think you should be careful not to communicate to people in your life that being mean to you will make you more likely to appease them. Take care of yourself and try not to engage. Later on- or in the moment, depending on your comfort and circumstances- say something like, “I want to support you but when you are mean to me it only creates issues and resentment. If you need some space, tell me that, but you must stop taking your feelings out on me. I constantly feel like I am walking on eggshells around you because your behavior toward me changes so much based on your mood.” From there, the ball is in their court. Good luck, my love.
How you do manage the habit of people pleasing?
This is something I am working on right now. I am a horrific people pleaser especially in romantic relationships. What has helped me, slowly, is this “mantra”. I am not compatible with someone if we can only get along when I bend to their will and whims at all times. Compatibility is about mutual respect and honoring each other’s feelings. It doesn’t stop the impulse to constantly please people but it does help me make small changes toward more healthy, balanced relationships. Here’s something else: when I am people pleasing, I- personally- typically end up doing destructive things to help. I lie about whether I’ve gotten the oil changed or paid the insurance bill, I pack my feelings away and resentment builds. Who does people pleasing help? I don’t think it even helps the people we’re trying to appease. It just makes us more anxious and sketchy. Learn to be comfortable with a little bit of tension and disagreement. It’s difficult but I think it will starve off big tension and disagreement in the long term.
I am a 25 year old finincially stable woman in NYC. I have a good job and a good group of friends. But I find that I am still unfulfilled and unhappy. I don’t ‘have anything to complain about’… but here I am. This can’t be all there is. What do I do?
You can have anything you want but you cannot have everything you want. Why are you unhappy? I can’t answer the question for you. Try to understand the reasons you’re feeling sad and unfulfilled. Do you dislike New York? Do you need more meaningful work? Are you ready for a relationship but unable to find one? Take small, actionable steps to prioritize fixing those things. I think working toward and focusing on your goals will improve your happiness even before you achieve them. If your work feels meaningless, maybe you can volunteer for a few hours a week until more meaningful work is available to you. If you dislike where you are living, try to focus on a two year plan to move elsewhere and celebrate working toward that. If you want a relationship, try to date with more intention. When you go on a date, make sure the person checks your boxes for a relationship rather than spending energy on someone who is great but incompatible with you. These, of course, are just examples. Small changes can make a big difference in terms of happiness.
I have trouble ‘putting myself out there’ in the dating world. Perhaps in scared of rejection. Any advice?
I actually love dating! A date is an opportunity to dress up, meet someone new, put your best foot forward, and have a conversation with someone you probably wouldn’t talk to under other circumstances. Don’t think of a first date as an opportunity for rejection. Try to avoid googling the person and picturing your future together before you meet. A first date is an interview with a stranger to see if you may fit in each other’s lives. Your opinion of them is the most important thing. Focus on your feelings, ask questions, try to have fun. Rejection is tomorrow’s problem. Try to find joy and fun in the sexy zest of meeting someone new, on its own, without worrying where it will lead.
How to not get too caught up in a bad thing in your day
First of all, I want you to give yourself permission to get caught up when something really awful happens.
That said, most of the time small, annoying things aren’t worth ruining your day over. Take ten minutes and some deep breaths. Focus on (or plan!) something positive happening later in the day. Embrace the annoying feelings for a moment and then choose a good day for yourself over a bad one.
I’m in my early twenties, a couple years out of college. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. It seems like everyone else has a clear path and goals. Any advise?
Years ago, I was in eating disorder treatment with a woman who had gone to a top three school. She was around the age that I am now and she told us a story of a friend of hers from college who had decided, her freshman year, that she was going to go to law school, marry a classmate, have two children (preferably twins) starting in her 6th year at the firm, and eventually make partner. My friend, she did it all. And then she realized she had been so focused on her plan, she hadn’t thought about what she wanted at all. She quit her job and left her husband.
All of that to say, it is okay to change your path and it is completely fine and healthy to not know exactly what you want, especially as a 23 year old. Try this. Instead of thinking about a career path or a relationship trajectory, think about feelings you enjoy and things you want in your life and work backwards from there. Do you love adventure and travel? Is a romantic partnership important to you? Do you value going to glamorous events? Do you want to raise children in the suburbs? I, personally, have always found thinking of abstract lifestyle goals and then working backwards- with flexibility- on how to achieve them helps me to understand what I really want and value in life and feels less competitive with friends. Xx
How do I forgive?
Forgiveness is hard, it’s one of the most impossible things. But forgiveness is for yourself more than it is for the person you are forgiving. Forgiveness means picking your happiness and emotional wellbeing over holding onto anger. You do not have to have a relationship with someone because you forgive them. If you decide to work through something, you can forgive someone while still setting respectful boundaries and expecting them to make changes for the future. I think forgiveness, as much as the truth, frees your soul. I’m sorry this advice isn’t more concrete. I hope it helps you anyway.
I love you all so very much,
Hannah