Here is what I think compatibility means. In the context of relationships, of course, but not only romantic ones. I think it is the same for deep friendships and close sibling bonds and parental attachments.
I believe, my girls, that we are all flawed beings. Not a single one of us is a perfect friend or partner. I think we each need to accept that we are imperfect in order to recognize our flaws and try to improve them. But I am not writing to you about personal improvement, I am writing to you about compatibility.
I think that long term compatibility means finding people whose flaws you can tolerate. It also means understanding that everyone has some flaws that they cannot tolerate in others. You may have a friend who is unreliable with plans, she may be flaky and chaotic and over-scheduled. Though it is hypocritical, she may not be able to tolerate flakiness from others. To be her friend, you may need to accept that and understand that you also have flaws she does not. My girls, we are all hypocrites and we cannot behave the way others do we can only be ourselves.
In terms of romantic compatibility, I think this largely- but not only- means finding someone whose behavior does not embarrass you in public. I do not mean someone who does not degrade you publicly, that’s a given. I mean someone who does not make you cringe too much when they make an off color joke or are a little too loud. They may never put their laundry in the hamper but you may not always do the dishes. Life is about acceptance and balance.
This may be a low level and obvious theory but it is something I have been thinking about a lot recently. We all have limits and limitations and it’s okay if they’re different for each of us.
Have a wonderful weekend!
I love you,
Hannah
I completely agree with your cringe theory. A test I often use for myself is, “if you walked into a room holding their hand would you feel embarrassed or proud?”