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And now onto the essay- it’s one of my favorites.
On a Monday evening in July I walked into a buzzy downtown restaurant for a first date. One of those it’s never on resy, you have to know a guy spots. “I’m the tall, dark, and handsome one but if you need an extra clue, green shirt near the end of the bar.” David texted me as I walked across Houston. The date went well, he was reasonably charismatic and into me even after I told him a bizarre piece of gossip I had heard about the finance minister of a Republic that is not the United States. He knew the bartender and the sommelier by name, recommended a few dishes that we should split. “Are you an oyster person?”
I am an oyster person. It was after the oysters and before the lamb that I noticed. I was on my first date with David but David had been on this first date at least half a dozen times. The first (or second) date formula! It is a phenomenon I have encountered many times since July. Here’s how it works. You meet a man- whether online or in person- you exchange numbers and he immediately and somewhat casually suggests a trendy or eternally popular restaurant for your first date. His banter is quick but he is not chatty via text. He’s direct and happy to make jokes about singles culture, the kind of jokes that imply he goes on dates not infrequently. (This is not a criticism! Glass houses, my girls!) The first date formula guy is almost always conventionally but not conspicuously attractive. His employer pays his assistant but she usually makes his personal reservations, as well. You arrive on the date, which will begin after seven and before nine, and notice his chatty banter with the waitstaff. He’ll be casually but not unfashionably dressed. If he’s under 45, he prefers to sit at the bar. (This is a calculated choice and my preference as well. If the date goes poorly, it’s easy to engage in conversation with the bartenders and other patrons rather than enduring long, tense pauses at dinner. If all goes well- and it usually goes well- the proximity allows him to put his hand on your leg before the beef tartar arrives. The bar is both more and less intimate.) He’ll suggest you split everything and share too much food. Typically, he knows what you’ll be eating before you sit down.
How? Because he has done this before. He went on a great first date at this restaurant and decided to have all- or most- of his first dates here. Maybe it’s the home turf advantage or some faux-scientific theory. If the setting is always the same, all of the women are on an equal playing field for me to determine my level of interest. He always starts with a martini and then suggests splitting oysters, a salad, and the burger. Usually, he lives within walking distance of the restaurant and suggests you have a nightcap at his after dinner. (This is the first date formula guy’s worst quality. I either don’t go or I say “you know that I absolutely am not going to have sex with you, right?” and mean it.) He will almost certainly say he is looking, ultimately, for something serious but isn’t in a rush to find it. He’s quick with compliments and tells good stories. He’s had the practice.
It isn’t unpleasant, it’s an opportunity to see another layer of someone’s psyche. While many of us are on our best behavior on early dates, a man with a formula is showing you the version of him he likes the best. You are on a date with a man who is presenting as he wishes to be seen. That’s a valuable thing to know about someone you’re dating- who they wish to be. It’s also, simply a lot of fun to relax on a date and go with someone else’s thing. The gears are well oiled, he has starred in this play before! (Perhaps within the last hundred hours.) There is nothing inherently wrong with doing what you enjoy or reusing the same moves. I certainly do it. (Though if a man suggests a restaurant where I know the staff as a first date, I always say I’d prefer elsewhere. I do not mix business and pleasure.) We all retell the same stories, drop the same lines. That someone dates frequently doesn’t mean they’re unwilling to settle down. All is fair in lust and war.
I love you,
Hannah Stella
PS: If you find yourself in this situation, and you’re feeling spicy, say to the bartender, while pointing to your date (while he’s present, not in the bathroom) “So, this is his thing? He brings girls here and splits a steak frite, bottle of red, and the sundae?” It’s fun, they’ll both be shocked you picked up on it.
Your perceptivity shines in your writing! Such a fun piece, and what a life you're living. Where I hope to be some months from now 💛
not the dateja vu!