dear future divorcee
a letter to me a few years ago and to you <3
Four years ago, in June, July, and August of 2022, my ex-husband and I divorced. I was thirty-one years old. In my social circle marrying at thirty-one is on the younger side of normal; divorcing at thirty-one is almost precocious. The mess surrounding our split was minimal and we kept almost all of the drama private. Still, I was a niche internet micro celebrity and the divorce was public– public enough that I still assume people who meet me through the internet or mutual friends know that I am divorced even if they know nothing else about me. Public enough that I feel a deep protectiveness over the story of my marriage and over my ex-husband and of my feelings about both of those things. Public enough that anyone I know even tangentially who considers divorce thinks or is told, “you should talk to Hannah.” I feel honored that people trust me for advice about such a heavy, emotional, scary, and human experience. The below piece of writing is some mix of my experience and my advice about the emotions of divorce. My ex and I are two people who loved each other very much and who could not spend our lives together. I am not smug enough to believe that what I have to say will apply to everyone but if you are in the middle of or considering divorce or a big breakup, I hope you find some solace in my words. To me, one of the most frustrating and comforting parts of adulthood is learning that none of my emotions are unique. This is a letter to me, four years ago. It is also a letter to anyone who needs to read it.
I love you, I really do. And I am always on your side.
Xx
Hannah Stella
…
To My Dear Friend Who is Getting Divorced,
I wish there was something I could say that would settle you now. Unfortunately, the only way out is through. I believe in you, I know you can make it to the other side.
This will be– I am so certain I am willing to bet on it– the worst thing you have ever been through. But when it is over– and it will not be over until long after the papers are signed– you will be a person who you like being, a person you are proud to be. And it will feel worth all of the growing pains, because if not for this experience you never could have become this person and she is the very best version of you so far. Divorce is a very expensive way to attaint a sense of self-assuredness and contentment. Some things are expensive because they are worth it.
But before you evolve into this new improved version of yourself, you will be sad. The sadness will come in waves. Sometimes weeping, sometimes hysterical, sometimes numb. There will be fear mixed with the grief. Leaving a marriage opens up a terrifying number of possibilities. I know what I am going to stop doing but what am I going to do? Even if ending a marriage was your decision, there is so much to mourn. The person you thought you were, the woman you almost wanted to be is dead. So is your relationship and the future you were so sure you would have, your plans and your dreams and a part of your youth that you did not realize you were still holding on to. It will feel like everything you knew is dead except your ex-husband. He is alive and it will feel like it would have perhaps been easier if he died because then, at least, the fear that constantly nips at your stomach will never come true.
The Fear. You know your ex-husband will move on, you want him to move on.
