do insane people know they are insane?
I am terrified and I am trying to work through it.
It is no secret that I have been depressed for some time. I have written about it extensively. I have done everything that I know to do in order to get better. I started Wellburtin. I incorporated more structure into my schedule. I quit drinking. I spend time with friends even when I would rather sit on my bed, alone. I adopted a dog. I learned a new skill. I tried being easy on myself. I tried being very hard on myself- at least mentally- the harshness was never enough to inspire productivity. I tried to wake early and I allowed myself to sleep with no alarm. I leaned into the depression to let it pass on its own, I spoke up and asked for help. I journaled. And still, I cry every morning and every evening and often many more times than that. I believe that the dog and the Wellbutrin will make a marked difference. I feel I have been trying to get better and the walls have continued to close in around me. I am sad all of the time. I am sure that at the root of this there is a chemical imbalance but there is another thing, a larger thing, that leaves me paralyzed.
I am terrified that I might be chronically insane.
I have lost all trust in myself.