Happy holiday party season!
As a departure from my typical personal essay content, today I am sharing some general etiquette tips for the holiday season (though many are applicable year round!) I hope that everyone has a joyful time! I am very ready to ring in 2023!
This is all, of course, my opinion. If you disagree with any advice, disregard it!
First and foremost, etiquette is absolutely not about snooty social codes, good etiquette makes everyone around you feel comfortable, relaxed, and at ease. It is far more rude to shame the people around you for their manners mishaps than to hold your wine glass incorrectly— always remember that.
Advice for Hosts
-Keep your guests and their comfort at the forefront of your mind, plan your playlist, snacks, party games, and decor with your friend and families ages and vibe in mind. A casual party is often just as, if not more, fun than a formal one! Plan what will make people feel welcome.
-Invitations are, in my opinion, an often missed opportunity to set the tone for your celebration. Invitations via text or a typed email are completely acceptable particularly for a casual get together. Paperless Post offers a variety of e-vite options (they have a section of flyers, which I’ve linked, that allow you to send the first 50 initiations for free!) for more formal parties that can set a festive tone, indicate a dress code, and ask guests to submit song suggestions or to bring something for the party. Paperless Post also has a great RSVP interface and allows you to email all guests or a specific group with updates.
-If you’d like your guests to dress in a theme, indicate it on the invitation. “Festive attire” or “cocktail attire” is of course also acceptable. I love a theme (holiday sweaters, dress as your favorite holiday movie character, etc.) and think dressing up adds excitement and gives guests and easy conversation starter. As always, bear in mind the ease of your theme and your friend’s enthusiasm for costumes or dressing up when selecting a dress code.
-I think party games or activities are a great way to encourage people to mingle and have a fabulous time. I’ve found that adults generally prefer activities they can participate in at their leisure rather than party games that require corralling everyone to participate at once. Some ideas that I’ve used in the past! Many of these are sort of childish but I’ve found people love them.
Cookie or gingerbread house decorating station (contest optional)
Face paint (this gets a little messy but trust me people end up LOVING it)
Make your own cocktail station. Mimosas with a variety of juice options, Gin and Tonic stations with a selection of garnishes, DIY Negronis with several bitter liquor and gin choices, etc.
Photo booths
Cookie exchange- have each guest bring 12 or 24 cookies and then set out gift boxes so people can bring a selection of different options home with them.
Corn hole, darts, or other simple games that can be played with 2-6 people.
Fortune tellers or tarot card readers
Decks of trivia card or conversation question cards
-If your guests are welcome to bring additional friends, invite them to do so on the invitation. If a guest calls to ask to bring someone and you’re uncomfortable with it, it’s completely fine to say something like, “I am so sorry but we’ve already ordered supplies and I don’t think we can squeeze in any more people.” Or just “no” but I think a white lie is okay.
-It is your responsibility as a host to socialize with all of your guests. If you notice someone hanging in a corner alone, go speak to them and introduce them to other attendees. If you can, it’s helpful to say something like, “I just know you two will hit it off because you both studied in Paris.” Anything that will give them a conversation topic to begin with.
-Even if you are hosting a seated dinner party, have some snacks out when people arrive. Particularly when people are drinking, it’s good to have food accessible throughout the night.
-In the age of Uber, this isn’t necessary but it’s a nice bonus, if budget allows, to hire a sober driver to drop guests at home.
-Be ready on time, with music playing. Unless it is a birthday party or wedding, it is not appropriate for hosts to make a grand entrance. I believe parties are for guests and you should be prepared to greet and converse with invitees as they arrive.
-I ask people to remove their shoes in my home. If I am having a group of people over, I make sure to tell them this before so they can plan their outfits knowing they will be removing their shoes. I also keep a basket of slippers near the door so that people can wear them if they’re uncomfortable being barefoot. Make sure to indicate to guests on the invitations or via email before, any requirements like this. It’s also nice to let people know in advance if you have pets or, for larger parties, to board them or send them to stay with family for the night.
Advice for Guests
-If no dress code is indicated on the invitation, festive and put together but casual is a good guess for holiday events. Think collared shirts or nice sweaters (ideally in holiday colors) and jeans or khakis for men. Sparkly or silk tops, casual dresses, sweaters, etc. for women.
-Make sure to thank the host for having you when you arrive at the party and before you leave. If possible, pick a specific element of the party to praise, people love it when you notice all of the work they have put in to details. If you do not know the host, it’s perfectly acceptable and polite to introduce yourself and say thanks.
-A conversation tip! If you have anxiety about socializing with new people, look through the sports or entertainment pages of a newspaper or magazine website and find two or three current events that aren’t heavy or political. You can fall back on these topics or bring them up when speaking with someone new. People also love to answer questions about themselves. Avoid questions about work. Ask about travel plans, recent vacations, for restaurant recommendations, or compliment them!
-If the host invites you to bring additional friends, I would assume that one or two people is appropriate. You, of course, know your friends best. If no plus one is indicated on the invitation and you have someone staying with you or are dating someone new, I think it’s okay to ask the host— particularly if you’re relatively good friends— if you can bring a date or houseguest. It’s also okay if the host declines your request.
-It’s polite to speak to new people or friendly acquaintances, not only your good friends, at parties.
-If you’re asked to bring a dish or other specific item to a party, you do not need to bring or send an additional hostess gift. (Though it isn’t impolite to do so.)
-Wine or a bottle of liquor is a classic gift for hosts who drink. If you don’t know the hosts preferences, Champagne or nice Prosecco feels festive. A mid-tier bottle of whisky or local spirit is a nice option. Opt for light bodied and dry reds or whites. If the host already has a bar menu planned, they may chose not serve alcohol that guests bring. Personally, I don’t think this is rude.
-If you send flowers as a thank you, have them delivered before or after the party rather than bringing them with you. Lilies are poisonous for dogs and cats and the pollen gets everywhere so I avoid them even though they’re beautiful.
-If no end time is indicated on the invitation (common for parties that take place in the evening) leaving by 9:00-9:30 on weeknights and midnight on weekends is a safe bet. If the party is still popping and the host seems enthusiastic, you can stay later.
-If you need to leave a party early, let the host know before hand. If you cannot stay for at least an hour, consider declining.
Work and Professional Parties
-For smaller celebrations, such as a professional event that takes place at a restaurant with an a la carte menu, the host is responsible for setting the tone and rough budget for guests. If you are hosting, invite everyone to order a cocktail or order champagne for the table. Make your guests feel at ease, particularly if there is an “I’m your boss” power imbalance. It is polite to order a relatively expensive meal (should budget allow) so that your guests feel comfortable ordering as they wish. Do not state an exact budget, as guests should follow the hosts lead and order items that are roughly the same cost. Do not order filet topped with caviar if the person paying orders a hamburger. Alternatively, if the host prefers less expensive items but is happy for their guests to select fancier foods, say something like, “I’ve heard that the lobster tail is amazing, please try it!” to indicate to guests you’d like them to indulge and enjoy.
-When attending a larger party or networking event, make sure to say hello to all bosses, higher ups, and people you want to connect with before your second cocktail. Of course, it’s best to remain relatively sober at professional functions but realistically, many office parties are totally raucous, so make sure you finish the ‘work’ part before the real partying happens.
-It may feel a bit dated, but it’s nice to thank the CEO or president’s spouse for having you. Even if the company is paying, older generations will appreciate the gesture. Use your judgement.
-Take photos of business cards or jot down names, numbers, and a brief note about new connections in your phone so that you can easily reference later.
- At large dinner parties or seated functions, avoid hanging large handbags off the back of chairs as they can cause wait staff (and drunk people…) to trip.
-Hold your drink in your left hand and keep your bag over your shoulder so that your right hand is free for handshakes and other greetings.
Advice for Visiting a New Partner’s Family for the First Time
-If you are visiting someone’s home, bring a small thank you gift. Generally, it’s best not to do something too over the top when meeting your partners family for the first time.
An easy to serve breakfast for the hosts and everyone staying with them (fresh bread with nice jam and butter, pastries form a local bakery, a quiche)
Your partners parents’ favorite drinks
A fancy hot cocoa with seasonal mugs
Flowers (if you’re staying with someone, it’s perfectly polite to bring flowers with you, just bring them in a vase so that the host doesn’t need to find one)
A nice wine bottle opener
Slippers (I know these aren’t consumable but who doesn’t love slippers!?)
If you’ve been invited on a vacation, an easy to pack and thematic gift can be nice. For the beach, nice sunscreen, body oil, or casual sun hats work. For snowy destinations, lip balms, hand warmers, or beanies can be fun.
-If your budget allows, buy a round of drinks, lunch, or dinner out for everyone as an additional thank you.
-Bring a robe or easy to slip on pajamas that you feel comfortable in so that you can grab coffee in the morning without needing to be fully dressed.
-It’s okay to take a break from a new family! Pre-plan to go to lunch with your boyfriend or holiday shopping alone. Meet a local friend for a drink, go for a walk.
-Learn a few of your partner’s families interests beforehand so you have something to discuss.
-Clean up after yourself, make your bed each morning (even if you don’t at home, it doesn’t have to look perfect), do the dishes and clear plates after dinner, offer to help in the kitchen.
-If you offer to help and the family declines, don’t insist. Some people prefer total control in the kitchen.
-When visiting anyone’s home, if they offer you a drink or snack, it is nor impolite to say yes! Often, I think people don’t want to ‘be annoying’ but it’s common for hosts to prepare snacks and drinks in anticipation of your arrival. Also, people love feeling helpful and like they’ve made you feel comfortable in their home. Take the iced tea! Accept the wine! Say thank you!
-Try to wake up around the time your partners family is awake and about. If you stay up later than they do, avoid making too much noise (unless you’re socializing with siblings, etc.) and turn off all of the lights in common areas before you go to bed.
Host and White Elephant Gift Ideas
-For hostess gifts, consumable items are nice because you don’t need to worry about home decor preferences. I would avoid candles and other scented items unless you know the host’s preferences. The list above for partner’s parents works well for most host gift situations. I also love small spa related gifts as hostess gifts! Bath bombs, face masks, a pedicure gift card. I also love an LL Bean tote bag, you can never have too many canvas totes.
-White Elephant gift ideas
a set of nice highball glasses or champagne flutes (I would avoid holiday themed ones and favor year-round options)
A giftcard for a blow out or manicure pedicure combo at a local spa
A cozy, neutral colored blanket
An international snack gift box or other specialty food box
Mittens, beanies, cold weather accessories
Assorted sheet masks or other skincare masks
Tote bags or cute, reusable grocery bags
Thank you! So much for reading this extremely long list of tips and advice. As this is different from my normal newsletters, please let me know if you enjoyed it and share your holiday party tips in the comments.
Xx,
Hannah
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I already thought of another one!
“From” or “beginning at” 7:00 PM etc on invitations indicates that it’s okay to stop by later. Otherwise try to arrive within 15 minutes of party start time for dinner parties and within 30 or 45 min for other parties.
If you’re hosting and have some sort of entertainment preforming (which I know is less common to do) it can be helpful to let guests know this ahead of time so they don’t come in midway through a magic show ir concert
I think it’s so helpful to remember that not everyone has had a chance to learn these kinds of norms, and there’s no shame in that! Thanks for putting together such a thorough list.