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I used to be very mean. I also used to be very insecure. I have some guilt about the cruelty. However, I give myself the same grace that I give friends and acquaintances. People grow up, change, improve. I cannot hold a grudge against a 23 year old who is now 30, she isn’t the same woman anymore. There are, of course, people I do not wish to be friends with because of the ways they hurt me when we were both 19 but I do not assume that they would behave the same way now. Aging creates empathy. There is a smugness to real cruelty that can only come from the particular naïveté of youth; many young adults feel they know it all and are on the express train to the top of the mountain. Inherent in truly harsh judgement is a certain superiority that can only exist when it hasn’t been challenged. It seems impossible to me that anyone with twenty years of experience clawing their way through the world- even if they do a very good job- would feel that same superiority without some humbling survivor’s guilt.
All of that to say, when I was a younger woman I was very insecure and very harshly judgmental. I felt bad about my face, my body, my economic background, my hometown, my lack of discipline, my family, and my interests. But I was also absolutely convinced that my opinions were correct and that other people’s behavior was embarrassing, tacky, disturbing, or just bad. I was mean about people’s hair and shoes and boyfriends and skin- even though I had poorly box dyed hair, ugly shoes, no boyfriend, and negligible knowledge of skincare. I was mean to people’s faces, mean behind their backs, simply mean. And then I realized that I did not want to be this mean any more. I did not want to gaze at other women (we are all most cruel to other women, aren’t we my girls?) with so much distain. And so I stopped.
It was very simple and very hard. I worked to reframe my thoughts from disdainful judgment to a combination of more lighthearted “that isn’t for me but I am happy for her” and more reflective “what she’s doing seems bad for me, can I learn something about myself based on that behavior?” which may still seem judgmental but to me real judgement is tied to vitriol. I think it is too much to ask of ourselves to never have opinions about other people. Good natured opinions help us know ourselves. Gossip, when delinked from a harsh, cancerous edge, helps us bond with each other. We cannot free ourselves of all feelings, opinions, and vices. Those things create our personalities.
And without realizing it, when I stopped judging other people, I developed an incredible sense of self-possession and a confidence I am proud of. I didn’t realize the two were linked until I was at dinner with a friend recently, discussing something that had hurt my feelings. “I think people are jealous of you,” she said, “or jealous is at least the best word I have for it.”
“No one is jealous of me, I don’t want to live in a world where I walk around thinking everyone is jealous of me.”
“Not jealous of the things you have, jealous of your confidence and ability to be yourself.” It clicked for me.
I realize that writing this may be very unbecoming. It may read as self-congratulatory or important but that is not my intention. I am writing honestly, I realized that I used to be deeply insecure and jealous of people’s ability to exist without worrying about what everyone else thought and I realized that I stopped feeling that way when I stopped judging people harshly. Insecurity is a mirror.
People often ask me how I feel comfortable being so openly myself. For a long time, I thought the confidence was inherent. “Fake it til you make it.” But that was not the answer. When I judged other people I feared them judging me. I was deeply afraid that everyone in the world was the way that I was, but I was an insecure girl in a world full of self-assured women. It was hellish and impossible living in a world where everyone viewed me through the harsh light I viewed others. A world that only, really, existed in my mind. When I started being kinder to others, I felt more comfortable being myself. If you take any advice from me, take this: when you give others grace, you’ll find grace for yourself as well.
I love you, I mean it!
xx
Hannah
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I'm about the same age and just went through a divorce, thank you for your wisdom :)
All very true! Thank you for sharing