How to Tell a True Story
Some thoughts on the ethics of writing fact and fiction
There is- as best I can tell- exactly one way to write an effective, interesting, and engaging memoir. Sit down and consider the periods and events of your life a person who does not know or care about you would find most interesting. Write those things down with gut churning, clear eyed honesty. Write what you did even if it was very wrong, and what was done to you even if it was very hurtful, or very kind, regardless of how it makes your behavior appear, regardless of how loathsome some of the actions of others are. Every detail does not need to be disclosed but enough must be shared to paint an emotionally honest picture of the situation described. It is a practice that requires laying yourself bare for judgement and subjecting your family, friends, enemies, and lovers past and present to the same fate. Memoirs come from the author’s perspective and (I would imagine) almost invariably hurt feelings. Writing honestly requires writing fairly but the fair truth is often unflattering to all involved. But if I write all of that down and make it available for public consumption, I will probably lose friends. I agree! I have been working on a memoir for several years and feel constantly ambivalent about even trying to sell it because I do not want to hurt people. And even if I write as honestly and ethically as I can, even if I make sure I am the ultimate villain, I will hurt people. But that is the job! The good news is, it is a very very easy job to not do. Nearly every single other job does not require the same emotional honesty or self-reflection. If you do not wish to be an honest memoirist, you may simply decide not to be a memoirist at all. The vast majority of people do jobs that do not involve writing about their relationships or public declarations of their greatest sins. I have heard a rumor that we need more electricians and nurses!
Anna Marie Tendler’s hotly (at least in certain online circles) anticipated memoir “Men Have Called Her Crazy” was published to mixed reviews— the criticism largely focused on Tendler’s lack of self-reflection and distance from the events in the book, as well as the omission of details about her marriage to and public divorce from comedian John Mulaney. (My educated guess is that this omission is due to non-disparagement/disclosure clauses in the divorce settlement rather than an artistic preference, particularly because Mulaney’s comedy has mentioned next to nothing about the divorce. And because Mulaney impregnated a famously hot pick-me prior to the divorce being finalized. I, for one, would have taken that particular slight as license to tell the whole truth if I didn’t have a gag order in place— perhaps Tendler is more humble and less angry than I? Somehow I doubt it.) I enjoyed parts of Tendler’s memoir and agree with the criticism that it would have benefitted from more time away from the psychiatric hospitalization she writes about. And furthermore, writing honestly does not require writing explicitly.