lessons learned

marriage, relationships, and grief

My aunt was widowed when she was 28 years old. She ran a business, the kind that requires you to get up early, stay up late, spend hours in the sun, get your hands dirty. She couldn’t afford to take time off. In the days and weeks after my uncle died she got up every morning at 6 am and fed however many dozens of horses lived on her land. I remember overhearing a conversation she had with my frantic, reactive mother.

“How do you get up in the morning? Why don’t you cry?”

“I do cry,” my aunt said, “every single day I cry in the shower. Then I get dressed and go to work.”

I am also a shower crier. I turn the water on, just barely too hot. I lie on my back or sit with my head between my knees and let whatever grief or fear or anxiety I have out. I give myself five— sometimes ten minutes— then I take three deep breaths. One. Two. Three. I exhale the third and all of the tears stop. I stand up and wash my hair.

…

I am, of course, going through something very strange and difficult and lonely right now. It is not my place or my right to share the story with all of you. It isn’t a story that belongs to only me. It’s also a story that’s happening in real time. I don’t know how it ends.

I do have three things I have learned about relationships that I believe have value. These are things I’ve learned from not only my marriage but my other relationships and from speaking with friends about their relationships. That is to say, these snippets should not be taken as reflective of my marriage, only of my perspective.

…

One.

It is always better to be honest about your big feelings.

Anything that bothers you for more than a day will keep bothering you for weeks and months and years. Bring it up. Ask your friends and partners to bring things up to you. We all deserve the opportunity to make changes. No one can change something they don’t know is upsetting you. It is easier in the moment to put things out of your mind (I do think that you should pick a tactful time to speak up) but you must speak up. Otherwise the issue will metastasize into stage four resentment and that’s nearly impossible to treat.

Two.

Love people for who they are, not who you want them to be.

Continuing the theme of honesty, be honest with yourself about who your friends and partners are. Not one single person is perfect. Love their strengths and accept their weaknesses. Not every weakness can or should be “fixed.” Love is having the wisdom to know what to accept and what to work on.

Three.

Being kind does not mean making everyone else happy.

Sometimes life gives us a bad option and a worse option. It’s better to pick the bad option and once you have, the best, kindest thing to do is tell the truth. Say it directly but with warmth. Everyone involved will feel relief after, I promise.

…

Deep breaths, my girls.

I am so grateful for you.

Love,

Hannah