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In my life, I have held onto a lot of shame. It’s one of the things I have been working on, silently and for myself. I think it is important for me to free myself of (most) shame by changing the things that I can and forgiving myself for the things that I cannot change. Part of my motivation for this is selfish. I am not dating right now and if I decide to date with intention in the future, I want to be the best version of myself. My standards are very high for others, they need to be high for me as well. I want to be the version of me that my ideal partner will fight for and I think that means working through some personal issues. I tell you all of that to tell you this: I feel a lot of shame around sex.
In all of my relationships, sex has been a problem. Specifically, a mismatch of sex drives has been a problem. Even more specifically, I have had a higher sex drive than any man I have had sex with. I am so deeply ashamed of and embarrassed by that fact. And not because I think there is anything inherently wrong with a high sex drive. I have, strangely, never been concerned that having a high sex drive is a bad thing. After all, I have been told (we have all been told) that every straight man wants a partner who craves sex. I am mortified because I have internalized so deeply the idea that men want a partner with a very high sex drive saying aloud that I want sex more than my male partners feels like admitting to a deep, unthinkable and completely separate flaw.
“The men she dates don’t want to fuck her, she must be really crazy.” (or ugly or mean or boring or a nag or stupid or vapid or any other trait that women who ‘cannot keep’ a man are rumored to have.) I fully believe that it is possible I am the only woman on earth with this problem.