Content warning: this post is in its entirety about weight, body image, weight loss drugs, and social pressure to be thin.
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Living on the boat, for the first time in my adult life, I do not have daily access to a scale. I don’t know how much I weigh and it is bothering me less than I thought that it might. I certainly have some degree of body dysmorphia (at the last wedding I went to, I started crying about recent weight gain and the way I looked in my dress. When my boyfriend noticed I was crying I felt stupid and selfish and so I told him I dislike the nickname “Han”. I do dislike that nickname but I’m not a baby, I’m insecure about the way I look. To an extent that I suspect is normal for women in my general cohort but that is not healthy or realistic given that I am, even at my personal heaviest weight, a relatively thin person.)
I have been to eating disorder treatments, spent five (maybe six) figures on therapy, I do not count calories and I do work outs I enjoy, I try to be active without being pathological. My lifestyle is reasonably healthy, I am usually not preoccupied with my body. I have read books and listened to podcasts about body positivity and neutrality. (I listened to this podcast recently and thought it was particularly good, very well researched!) There are so many wonderful things a person can be, I don’t think thin is one of the best ones.
But here is a fact that has held true in all of my romantic relationships: every time I lost weight, the man I was with was more attracted to me, often significantly. Every time I gained even five pounds, I could feel a decline in his sexual interest. I am not projecting and often I felt more confident at a slightly heavier weight. I am unsure how, psychologically, women are supposed to do anything but internalize that message. That thin is the the most important thing for a woman to be may come from advertising campaigns and magazines but it’s absolutely infiltrated life, the message is everywhere. It’s even in our bedrooms. I believe any woman who has lost ten pounds has had a similar experience.