CW: heavy discussion of alcoholism and substance abuse.
My dad is an alcoholic. I know now, as an adult, that my dad was drunk during most of my childhood. My memories of my lazy, happy, dad who loved to cook are soaked in beer and flavored vodka. He was never violent and rarely mean. He was unreliable, disengaged, hungover, and well intended. He had an easy charisma and was quick with a joke. He kept jobs reasonably well. People liked my dad. He was- and probably still is- a very likable guy. But he had a problem. He tried his hand at sobriety starting when I was nine years old, on and then off the wagon. Dozens of times. “Call your sponsor” my mom would say. I didn’t know what a sponsor was but I thought she might need one too. I’ve heard my dad is sober now. I hope it sticks.
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A little over a week ago, I was on the phone with my best friend. “I’m not drinking for 21 days.” She said. “Oh, I'll do that with you.” I had not taken more than a week off drinking since before the beginning of Covid. When I was living in The Bahamas, daily drinking starting at 2 or 3 PM was the norm of “cruiser culture”. I continued the habit of nearly daily drinking (though not until the evening and not more than a glass of wine or two) when I moved back to New York. When she called me, I’d had a bigger than intended night out the evening before, I was hungover and tired and I knew it was time to give my body a break. I made the decision quickly and without much thought. I read on Goop that women should take periodic 21 day breaks from alcohol to regulate their hormones, I sent the article to my friend. “We picked the right amount of time!” She laugh reacted. I wanted to get back into good physical shape, to feel strong and fast and (yes) attractive. I figured a break from drinking would help. I bought a variety of non-alcoholic wines and spirts, I love to have a drink on the couch or in the bath with a book. I was scared- terrified- that quitting would be difficult. Because people who cannot stop drinking are people with drinking problems. And I am a woman with many problems, I hate the idea of a drinking problem. My soul cannot handle any more shame.
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