on fear

and stereotypes

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There is a stereotype that women spiral after a divorce, that many never recover. There is a great essay to write about why this stereotype exists, about misogyny and societal expectations of women and about how men’s feelings are treated differently than women’s are. Not only by society, by the individuals feeling them as well. Most of the men I know keep their sadness inside, share hurt and despair and bad moments with only their very best friend or no one at all. Women, generally, are more open. And openess can be seen as weakness. I don’t agree, there is strength in sharing. Maybe I will write that essay someday soon. This is not that essay, this is an essay about the intense paralyzing fear I have that perhaps my life is over. Perhaps I have made all of the wrong choices and that my life will spiral downwards until I become a cautionary tale. “Remember that girl from the internet? What a sad story.” Except that isn’t true. That isn’t my fear, at all.

I have made many good choices and many bad choices and I will continue to make good choices and bad choices and I will be fine, just as I have always been fine. Hopefully as I grow and age and learn, the bad choices will be fewer and the good choices will be more. I have certainly learned a lot.

Have you ever met a man who, twenty years after his wife left, still wears his wedding ring? Hopes she’ll come back, that he can do things right this time. I’ve met several. They’re always met with more empathy than I’ve seen extended to women who, even for a moment, lose their grip when their lives change. I don’t know why that is. Perhaps there is nothing sadder than a grown man crying?

What I am actually afraid of is being perceived as a failure, as someone who has lost my mind and who is spiraling into despair. I am not afraid of breaking, I know I will not break. Or, at least, I know that I can put myself back together, find a level head, work through whatever comes my way. I am afraid everyone will believe I am broken, watch me with a superior disgust. What is the difference between consensus and fact? There isn’t much value in knowing the truth if everyone else believes a lie.

I was at lunch with a friend several months ago. She said she admired that I can speak my mind. “You don’t care what anyone thinks.” And she’s correct, I do not care what anyone thinks but I do care what everyone thinks. Because I do not mind judgement, disagreement. I do not care if people think my clothes are ugly or that my opinions are wrong. But I cannot stand condescension disguised as pity.

Divorce is as difficult as death. And the circumstances that lead to divorce are difficult as well. Nostalgia is hard, so is regret, so is existing in a world where your exes are also existing. But break-ups are also a fresh start and a new opportunity. The path to the top is not linear.

I leave you with this. I have never sat with another person and listened to their story, really spoken to them, really heard them and left the conversation with anything but empathy. I may have done things differently but I don’t know if I would have done them better. We all exist in the grey area. Someday (soon) my girls, I’ll tell you the whole story.

xx

Hannah

PS: thank you for reading. This was a vulnerable one for me but I decided to send it today rather than holding it until Tuesday. I hope you enjoyed and that it brought you something. I’ll be back next week, from New York. I think it will be good to be home.