On kindness

It saves lives

I do not like being called nice. I think many people-many women- share this feeling, nice what people call you when they don’t have anything else to say. Nice is what I called people who are buttered toast. Unoffensive, difficult to dislike, but unmemorable without humor or real charisma or interesting thoughts. Without any spice that make them truly likable.

Nice means “pleasant, agreeable, satisfactory.” To me, satisfactory means average. Kind is a similar word, almost interchangeable. But kind is significant. Kind is “a friendly, generous, or considerate nature.” Kind is the man on the street who, after I had a break up when I was 23 years old; still young enough to feel like the world was over, saw me sobbing and shaking on my stoop, stopped and gave me an unopened bottle of water and said it would be okay.

Kind is the woman, then a stranger, who DM-ed me on Instagram and leant me a car when I needed transportation to go shop for supplies for my boat. Who came for a tour and brought homemade margaritas and rice crispy treats and sat with me and my boyfriend and her husband, drinking and laughing on the boat trampoline. Kindness creates friendships.

Kind is sometimes dishonest about facts but honest about emotions. Kindness sometimes says, “I love you and I will see you tomorrow” to a dying person who will not see tomorrow. Kind sees the woman wondering aimless and insecure around a party full of strangers and says, “I love your dress, where did you get it? Will you come have a drink with my friends and me?”

Kind is saying to a heartbroken friend that, actually, that was the wrong job or boyfriend or apartment and even though it hurts right now, the loss is for the best. An honest “there is no more hope but that’s okay.”

Nice is self-conscious, desperate to avoid offending. Kindness is the self-awareness to know you aren’t the only one in the world and that people need each other, it’s the only way we’ll survive.

I’ve written recently about struggling with depression, caused by overwhelming emotional whiplash. I am doing better, slowly but significantly. And I’ve been reflecting on why, in this moment and other difficult ones, I’ve managed to make it through. The common theme is kindness. From friends, of course, but more often from strangers. And so I am adding a belated resolution for 2023. To focus each day on making sure to be kind, to externalize, see the people around me, and help them whether that is with a smile, words, or something more significant.

I do not often give toasts, but I’ve got a new signature one! “May your life be filled with moments of joy. May you laugh and feel and find camaraderie. Above all, may life be filled with kindness.”

Here’s to you, my girls.

All my love,

Hannah Stella