On New York

and self-reliance

I loved living in New York.

There’s culture, shopping, museums, interesting people from all over the world. Great food, smart conversations, chic women.

I love all of those things about New York but the reason I really loved living there is because I felt like you could never totally win.

You’re a well pedigreed Rockefeller with a Harvard degree? That’s, of course, socially impressive. But there’s a guy in your building, two stories up, who dropped out of state school and started a business and he has more money than your whole family.

There is always someone younger or hotter or smarter or richer or prettier or more talented or better pedigreed. A lot of people really hate that about New York. Even within Manhattan, the coolest guy uptown is a stranger in the village. New York does not have a winner. I, personally, found relief and equality in that. Everyone is someone and no one is anybody and I could be whoever I wanted.

There’s comfort in nostalgia. When things are difficult it’s very easy to look back and forget the hard things and remember the easy ones. Nostalgia brings superficial condolences. Real contentment comes from perspective and taking control. I believe that the people who are most at peace are the ones of us fortunate and bold enough to look at ourselves with pride. Pride comes from achievement and achievement comes from doing scary things. I’m nostalgic about New York. I miss the city that raised me. But I am also proud that I’ve found the moxie to make different and difficult choices. I’m also terrified that I might be wrong.

One of the last selfies I took as a New Yorker

Forgive me for all of these metaphors and silly phrases. Here is what I am actually saying. I have spend the last six or twelve months making a never-ending series of difficult choices. Most of the time, I am deciding between a good option and a slightly better option or a bad option and a worse one. There are rarely clear answers and I have felt, many times, that the only person who can give me advice is me. This year has been hard on my body and my skin and my heart.

It’s also given me something new, a sense of self-reliance. I do not know if I can figure things out for myself but I am excited about trying. The unknown future is beginning to feel like an adventure. I do not have New York anymore to remind me that I am anonymous and small. The rest of the world will have to do.

My mom used to always tell me that you are the only person you can trust. I do not know if she’s right about that or not, but I do know that trusting yourself, like trusting someone else, requires fondness, evidence, and some effort. To trust yourself, you have to take responsibility for your actions and their consequences, whether those were intentional or not. At the end of the day, I like- love- the woman I see in the mirror and that, my wonderful girls, is really something. If I have made all of the wrong choice and am going to fail tremendously, at least I will have failed with my very best friend.

XX

Hannah