“You lose so many friends in a divorce.” At least forty people told me- in person or in messages, as soon as I announced that my ex-husband and I separated. I was absolutely certain that I would lose zero friends as my ex and I had very few mutuals who were not “his” or “mine” and I was sure all of my friends would be loyal to me. And they were. I know I am very lucky. But I did lose two very close friends and one of those break ups was very painful and very unexpected.
The first of my friends to fade to someone I knew once was one of my very best friends. She was a “bury the body” friend for a very long time. We fought. All sisters fight. Sometimes it was her fault, sometimes mine. Often we were both to blame. But we always found and supported each other, a fight is not an ending. She stopped talking to me as soon as I told her, on the phone, that P and I were breaking up. “I’m so sorry.” She said. A few weeks later she called me, drunk on her birthday (I had not been invited to the party) and apologized for not calling more often. I never heard from her again. I don’t expect that I ever will.
But I understand, I understood immediately. I am writing this as delicately as I can. I love and respect this woman and I want to respect her choices, though I disagree with them.
My sisters-in-christ, if you are fortunate enough to have a best friend who becomes a sister, you understand that this kind of friendship means knowing each other’s secrets and struggles and shames and fears. They know the indignities you tolerate and you are aware of the thorns in their sides. My former friend is married. When I called and told her I was leaving my marriage, I hoped (on some levels and only for her sake) that it might give her the courage to leave hers. I knew that she would likely stay married. She is still married. You can be friends with your reflection.
I do not say that because I am smug, I am not smug about my divorce.
I am sad and relieved and scared and overwhelmed and excited and horrified and emboldened, never smug. Consider it this way- and I say this with empathy, I have also been the friend who stat with the devil she knew and no longer called.