When I was a child, my parents did not respect each other. They did not respect themselves, either. Children learn to emulate or to repudiate their parents. When I grew up, I rejected their habit of disrespecting each other. I learned to respect my friends, colleagues, and romantic partners—I have, even now, a tremendous and unwavering respect for the man I once married. In contrast, I had—until fairly recently—never learned how to respect myself. My mother was a deeply insecure woman. Her insecurity manifested as cruelty. Mine manifested as meekness that I tried to disguise as stoicism. As a child, I was quick to speak up and routinely silenced with bullying, cutting remarks, snickers, punishment. As an adult, I was quick to speak up and quicker to be silenced with only a glance. I was very, very young when I met my ex-husband and very young when we married. I was desperate for a stability that I had not experienced as a child and ill equipped to handle anything different from the chaos I was used to. Serenity requires self-respect. Peace is accepting yourself as good company.
I gained a great many things from the end of my marriage. Among them: the ability to live an unstructured life and the need to structure it, an autoimmune disorder, an exercise addiction, a daily use set of Hermes china, a new depth of friendship, a sense of direction, occasional insomnia, an understanding of unconditional love, the need for an accountant, empowering joie de vie, and the ability to listen to and understand people without judgment. Some of these things are very important to me, others I could do without (I used to sleep so easily! I do not wish to deal with taxes!). I also, most importantly, grew a spine.
Divorce is a terrible thing to survive. It is grieving the loss of old dreams and finding hope in new ones. It’s loneliness, a fear of ever needing another person and a desperate longing for support. Divorce is losing the person who once knew you best and divorce is wondering if they ever knew you at all. Priority shifts and swift changes. It’s bad hair decisions. Questionable choices about wardrobe and impulsive changes in lifestyle. (At least for those of us with the luxury of making wreckless choices.) It is finding new parts of yourself. And it is countless hours considering whether any of these new parts of you are actually new or whether they were always there, pushed down inside you as a survival mechanism.
But the terrible storm ends, as all storms do. Roughly six months after my divorce was finalized, I looked in the mirror and recognized the woman looking back at me. I was not thriving, but I was whole. And I was empowered. I had left something I planned to have forever. And, I realized, I had learned to stand up for myself. It was unintentional. I was dating a man at that time and when he did something to upset me, I told him. When asked for counsel, I gave my friends the advice I really thought was best for them even when I worried my opinion may sting. I started saying no when I did not wish to do something. When people disrespected me, I spoke up or walked away. Surely, some of this newfound empowerment was because the process of divorce requires some degree of self-advocacy. But my divorce was extremely amicable and polite. There was thankfully little negotiation. Most of my self-respect came from the newfound knowledge I could survive real loss. I had been through something horrific and survived. Because of that, without intending to, I learned to speak thoughtfully but without fear. I think that many of us choose not to stand up for ourselves because we’re afraid of what it might cost. Divorce taught me how to be happy in a room alone. I always prefer the company of others. But not at the cost of my self-respect.
I will likely (at least statistically speaking) marry again. I am still young. I enjoy having a partner. I want a child of my own, at least most of the time. I do not think that love and respect are the same thing but I believe they are each essential for a relationship to last. Love and respect for a partner, of course, but also for yourself. I am thirty-three years old. I have lived in four states and three countries. I have been married and divorced. The person who makes me laugh the very most in the world is my sister, the second most is a four way tie. I like pilates and books and do not like mayonnaise. Getting dressed is one of the great joys of my life. I am outgoing, silly, chaotic, and sometimes irresponsible. I am, sometimes, a bit of a snob. I am allergic to crustaceans but not to mollusks. I see very few things as black and white, preferring to consider nuance. When I look in the mirror I see a woman I love and a woman I respect. I understand her choices and believe in her. I am content in my apartment alone.
I still prefer a home filled with other people. Self-respect doesn’t mean changing who you are, fundamentally.
I love you,
Hannah Stella
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Your words resonated deeply with me. Thank you
This article resonates deeply! 👏 Divorce is incredibly challenging, but it can lead to personal growth. The journey from meekness to self-respect is inspiring. Learning to stand up for yourself is a monumental achievement. Thanks for sharing your story of growth and self-discovery. It reminds us that even through divorce, there can be a rainbow of self-respect and empowerment at the end. 🌈✨
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