A quick aside- in this post I use gendered language where I speak to my reader as a heterosexual woman married to a man. I did that because this advice comes from my personal experience as a straight woman and I am imagining the exact things I wish someone had said to me. I am picturing myself considering these questions last spring. This is, first and foremost, a letter to Hannah Stella in early or mid 2022. However, I think this advice applies equally to all break ups in long term relationships irrespective of gender and sexuality. There is a bit of divorce specific wisdom but I think anyone in a painful place will find it helpful. Love you, thank you for reading. Xx Hannah
PS: I am a divorced former housewife with a lot of privilege. I feel comfortable giving advice from my experience but I am not someone who can give advice about dangerous relationships. If you are in an abusive situation my heart goes out to you and I am sending you so much love and power. However, I think you should look for domestic abuse resources to help you leave safely.
I have been thinking a lot about what went wrong in my marriage and the many things I would do differently if I could go back. At the beginning, in the middle, and at the end. Many people- friends, acquaintances, and readers have asked me if they should or should not get divorced. I cannot answer that question for you. I can only tell you my experience and the questions I believe you should ask yourself before deciding whether to divorce. I hope that some of you can learn from my mistakes and avoid making them yourselves. I did some things correctly, of course. As with any advice- take from this what is helpful to you and leave behind what seems ridiculous.
I will start with the most important advice I have, the number one thing I wish someone had said to me when I first mentioned that things between my ex and I might not work out.