Content warning: This essay includes explicit discussion of weight, size, weight loss, and sex. Also mention of eating disorders. I am writing my experience which may be dissimilar to yours (in many ways, I hope it is!) if any of that is triggering for you please skip this one.
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When I was younger- in college and just after college- I was heavier than I am now. I was youthful, bubbly, intelligent, silly, and a size four, perhaps a six. I am 5’6, I was by no means plus (or even mid) sized. I was also mostly invisible. Not just to men, to the world. There is nothing wrong with anonymity but I was young and sad and lonely and I did not move to New York to blend in, I moved to New York to sparkle. (I did not know then that sparkling is a double edged sword.) I was also invisible in Waco. In high school, I was considered obnoxious, a term for women and girls who have opinions but are not conventionally attractive. Obnoxious is a very good excuse to ignore someone.
Not long after moving to the city, I stood outside Butter, the now defunct nightclub on Lafayette Street. The promotor came out and pointed to groups of girls, one by one, indicating to the bouncer that he should let them inside. My friends and I were not picked and after a while the bouncer pulled us aside and said, “Every one of you ladies are my type. You are all country thick. Well, not you two.” He said gesturing to my two friends, “but she is, and this isn’t… The promotor has a different type.” I think he was shooting for empathy but landed on pity.
I stayed more or less the same size for a few years after. Eating disorder treatment and no athletic training made me fearful of revamping my diet or working out. And then, when I was 22 or 23, I started doing mat pilates for the first time. I lost weight quickly without really intending to, I just wanted to be “in shape”. The world started treating me differently. I went to dinner with a man I had dated on and off for a while, “I’ve lost 10 pounds” I texted him before. “You’ve always been perfect, you didn’t need to lose an ounce.” He replied. “You look great.” He said when I saw him and then much later, when we were both naked, he said, “when I said you didn’t need to lose weight, I thought you just got skinny, I didn’t know you turned hot.”