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Since July, I have been dating relatively actively and largely very casually. “I just finished being married, I’m not really looking for a new husband but if I see potential in something, I am open to it.” I say, when men ask me what I am looking for. It’s a true answer and, I think, a basically reasonable one. By my estimation, exactly one guy believed that I was telling the truth when I said I was not looking for anything serious. (“You signal serious.” my close male friend told me when I asked him. “How?” “Your whole vibe.” Helpful!) But what has surprised me more than a litany of attorneys in their mid to late thirties’s skepticism at the idea that a thirty-two year old woman might not wish to marry them, is how resistant many of my friends are to this concept.
(Author’s note- many of my wonderful and supportive friends read this! I love you all so much and I appreciate that you very authentically want me to be happy, I am not complaining about you at all! I am musing about the phenomenon of being single at an age where very many people are coupled. Please please do not take offense!)
You never know. The constant echo when I tell my friends that there is no potential with some particular man. But I always know, just as they always knew. And, perhaps, what I know is not that whatever spark there was could never ignite. Maybe I know that I didn’t have a well defined sense of self when I married my ex-husband and that I cannot carry the guilt of contributing to the death of another great love because I’m still establishing a deep understanding of who I am.
“If I actually wanted a boyfriend, I think I would have one.” I said to a friend, she agreed.
Perhaps I know that I love writing and that a serious boyfriend is often incompatible with a serious artistic project. Perhaps I know that I am inclined toward giving up my ambitions to support a man in his, and that I need to create something worth keeping before I can balance career and romance. I feel, but do not know, that some degree of real success- a degree I know I am capable of achieving- will shift my romantic priorities and the kind of men I am interested in. I enjoy being beholden to only my schedule. Decorating my apartment as I please, eating, drinking, and socializing as I please. I’ve never spent a significant period of my life with only my own priorities to consider. I think I want to be selfish right now.
Last week, I was on the phone with my very best friend. A virtual night in, sharing a bottle of wine while 1600 miles apart. The conversation turned to more serious topics and I said to her, “I need you to promise me something. If this all goes belly up, if I can’t write these books or they do not sell, if I lose my career and find myself single and broke and depressed a decade from now, promise you will remind me how much fun I had, how much joy there was in these moments. Tell me that I had these years where I got to know myself and that, at the time, it was worth it.”
“That isn’t going to happen.”
“It might.”
“It won’t.”
“You’ll have to pay my rent.”
“I promise I’ll remind you, I love you.”
“I love you more.”
…
I love you, as well!
Hannah Stella
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I respect this so much Hannah!
As a 29yr old my view on dating is that I’m open to it if it builds on the life I already have, but I’m not missing or lacking anything that means I ‘need’ or am seeking out a relationship.
Life is good! If I find someone I connect with and I think we could add to each others lives then that’s cool, but otherwise I don’t want to sacrifice anything I already have for something that isn’t building me up more.
Love on the other side of actualization is another love altogether. Many project their own fears onto the choices of others.