The loss of a friendship
I don't think we can always be friends with people who show us what could have been
When I knew I was getting divorced, I called a long term friend of mine- someone I had been very close to on and off for nearly a decade, a person who was for a time my very best friend- and told her that my ex and I were separating. She was supportive on the phone. She’d been supportive, if more of a tough love type, when I went through other life changes, break ups, transitions. And I had been there for her as well, dropping off breakfast for her after a health scare, listening to her and giving advice without judgement. (This is probably my best quality as a friend, there are very very few behaviors I am judgmental about; I can usually understand people’s motivations even if they behave differently than I would. Most people are doing their best.)
I have heard from her only twice since then, once via text and one drunken, strange phone call where she vaguely apologized for not checking in. In the moments when things were really crashing down for me, I did not hear a peep, even when I texted her. She and I are no longer friends, of course. There was no big fight. No definitive “this is the end” moment, I just realized (as I’m sure she did as well) that we didn’t have anything to say to each other any more. I feel complete apathy towards her, no anger, no hurt, no ill will. But I don’t particularly wish her the best, either. If I learned things were going very well for her, I would not be upset or jealous. I would feel the same sense of detached interest that I would feel if I found out that someone I went to 10th grade with had sold a company. “Of course I remember her, that sounds great for her.” But not another thought beyond that.
Which is very strange, because this person was once very close to me. I cannot imagine every feeling such apathy toward my current best friend. But I understand why the woman this essay is about couldn’t be my friend any more. And understanding gets us pretty far.