Yesterday, a TikTok came up on my for you page. Two gorgeous blonde women were speaking, a mother and daughter. They said something to the effect of “one of us is 44 and the other one is 21. Can you tell who is who?” (The ages are approximate, I can’t find the video now.) Based only on their appearance, it was honestly a bit difficult to tell.
The mother (I think), had a more mature voice and a southern accent. I think thick regional accents are becoming less common as media is more accessible and children hear neutral American accents more and more in their daily lives. Anyway! Looking at the two women, they appeared quite similar in age. The comments were almost entirely various people telling the mother that she looked like she was in her 40s (in my opinion, she did not) and the prevailing tone was a mixture of smug and cruel. Whenever I see a TikTok where a woman refers to herself as looking younger than her calendar age, the comments are similar. Any why?
There’s nothing wrong with looking 40. We all age. Older people are not inherently less attractive, especially not people still in their 30s and 40s. (I acknowledge that it’s rare that an 80 something of any gender is conventionally ‘hot’.) What compels us to bring people- women- down if they feel confident because they feel youthful? We, generally, wouldn’t do the same to someone who made a TikTok about feeling confident for any other reason. Imagine a TikTok celebrating an acceptance to Texas A&M and a comment section full of “don’t get so excited, it’s not Harvard.” I cannot see it happening.
Over the past several months, many people have asked me if I plan to freeze my eggs. I do not currently plan to and I do not like the question. A woman’s relationship to her fertility is incredible personal. But it isn’t the invasiveness that bothers me. It’s the tone. I have rarely, if at all, been asked by someone who seems curious because they’re trying to decide what to do for themself or how to advise a friend or partner. The underlying tone— and perhaps I am projecting but I don’t believe that I am— says, “you’re getting old, what are you doing to stop it? Are you scared?”
I am semi-religious about skincare, I am trying to eat a well balanced diet and exercise regularly, I have gotten botox before and would consider doing it again. I dye my hair. I am certainly not saying that youthfulness doesn’t appeal to me. But I am not trying to completely stop myself from aging. I spent most of my youth and twenties as the kid in the room and I was very worried that when I was no longer precocious I would lose my identity. That hasn’t happened, thankfully. I’ve found aging to be gratifying. With every year so far, I’ve been grateful for the wisdom and the growing maturity of myself and my friends. I don’t mind looking older. The only part I find difficult is the social… pressure? ideal? that there is something horrible about being a woman and getting older. Sometimes, particularly on the internet, it seems like one of the worst things you can be is a female who is over 30 and seems that way. Ridiculous.
I don’t have any grander point than this— if you’re one of the younger people who reads this, getting older will not be horrible. You'll be proud of the things that come with passing time. 30 is young and so, honestly, is 40. Try not to listen to all of the noise, it’s designed to worry you and there’s nothing to fear. If you’re my age or a bit older, I hope you’ve had a similar, “is this what all the fuss and anxiety was about?” experience.
As someone wiser than me said, “aging is great, it means you aren’t dead yet.”
Xoxo,
Hannah
As always, if you enjoy Moxie, I would love it if you would share it with your friends. My next newsletter for paid subscribers will be out on Tuesday. Otherwise, I’ll see you next Thursday or on Instagram and TikTok.
A 93 year old recently said to me, “I don’t believe in growing old, I believe in living a long time.” If that isn’t the paradigm shift we all need, I don’t know what is.
Ok, I'm only commenting this (against my personal rule to never comment on the internet!) because I'm in the throes of it right now as someone who just turned 41:
1. Everything you've said here is 10000% on the mark. I agree with all of it, and honestly fuck everyone's arcane assumptions about aging and their invasive questions about fertility (and its bullshit implication that if you don't have kids you've failed as a woman/person.)
And also, ugh:
2. I regret not freezing my eggs after I divorced at 32. I wouldn't have listened back then even if someone close to me had pressed it (it would have absolutely pissed me off), so I get not wanting people to weigh in. But ten years later, I'm watching friends my age conceive with eggs they froze at 30 and I just... wish I'd just done it. I had the money and the opportunity, but I think at the time I was resentful at all I felt it implied about my age/future prospects, etc.
3. I'm definitely not saying if you KNOW you never want kids that you should prep in case you change your mind! Fuck that. Live your one gorgeous life exactly the way you desire. But I was one of those people who was on the fence, and I just deep down believed I'd always have time and eggs to find a new partner and figure it out later and everything would work out and I have learned the hard way over the past two years that I was wrong. (I found the partner! It was just too late for the follicles, so to speak.)
I'm just an oversharing stranger on the internet, vulnerable from infertility treatments, so obviously ignore this at will. But I'm also just sticking this out there in case anybody else is early 30s and on the fence about freezing eggs... feel free to put this one stranger's regret in the mix of your pro/con list.