This is my very favorite advice I have ever been given, advice I’ve written about many times before: people do bad things zero, one, or a hundred times. It means that people make mistakes. Good people- on occasion- do something bad. But they learn from their errors and try to improve as people. Others make the same mistake over and over again, unable to break the habit of causing harm.
Sometimes I sit alone at night, awake and barely moving. I breathe slowly and consider the worst things I have ever done. Have you ever done something horrible to somebody else? I am almost sure that you have. All of us have made choices we’re not proud of. Done things we wish only God knew about. How do you reconcile the two? How do you connect the person you know yourself to be- the kind, charming, generous, witty, self-deprecating and warm girl- with the despicable qualities that live inside her? How do you look yourself in the eye when you know the worst you’re capable of? When you understand that you can act in horrifying ways when you’re backed into a corner?
I have done exactly two things I cannot reconcile within myself.