Some pre-notes!!!
Today is my 21st day without alcohol! Assuming I do not lose my willpower in the next few hours, I have hit my goal! You can read more about my relationship with alcohol here. I am proud of myself for doing this and relieved about how easy it was! As of now, my general thoughts on drinking are that I will do it occasionally and likely will not drink tomorrow or this weekend. I also plan to take 21 days off every few months, I read it is positive for women with hormonal issues and whether that is true or not, it certainly cannot hurt my general health to abstain from booze frequently.
Substack has launched a new feature that allows you to earn paid subscription trials in exchange for referring friends to Moxie. (if they sign up for free it still counts!) You likely already received an email about this but I would really appreciate it if you would consider telling your friends about this little essay page!
I’m very fascinated by astrocartography I’ve been clicking around the map like crazy, matching up life events to locations. Check it out, I think you’ll enjoy.
I love you, thank you for being here!
…
I woke up very sad today. I used to wake up sad quite often. I also used to live in a world where if I spend most of the day in bed, allowing myself to dwell on my relatively inconsequential worries, other people who take care of everything for me. This was true when I was married and did not need to worry about cleaning my own kitchen and when I never needed to consider whether paying $28 to order a bagel worth $3.25 on Seamless was an unreasonable indulgence. (It was, for the record, as unreasonable then as it is now.) It was also true while I was living on the boat. My then boyfriend would dutifully (and lovingly!) bring me coffee in bed. He would make lunch while I complained that I did not know why I was crying all the time. (In my defense- while I had been through a lot, I have now learned via the miracles of actually going to the doctor that I was having hormonal issues that made my emotions uncontrollable.) I know he was frustrated but he was also deeply compassionate. Prior to my marriage, I was young and I could easily dismiss dwelling and procrastination as a phase.
During all of the prior times in my life, the things I was worried or sad about were very real but my ability to dwell rather than focusing on change or medical intervention turned the problem from something acute (I am sad because I do not feel heard) to something chronic (I am sad because I allow myself to lie around and feel sorry for myself and I can no longer remember what I was even really sad about) and the chronic sadness fermented inside me. Now, I do not have the privilege of dwelling. I have personal and work obligations. I am very fortunate to have the flexibility to build a career I enjoy but it is also essential that I build that career, for personal reasons as well as financial.
I realize that this is an extremely privileged and largely unrelatable problem. I expect no one to feel sorry for me. Even though I am writing openly about it, I am deeply embarrassed by how lazy and irresponsible I have often been. I write- partially- to hold myself accountable. But I am also writing because this morning I woke up at 6:15 AM, as I always do these days, even though my alarm was set for a bit later. I made my morning coffee and did my morning skincare. I placed my throw pillows back, neatly onto the bed and opened my laptop to work. I wrote and planned and set goals. The sadness stayed with me. During my workout class, I felt breathless as soon as I started to jog because my limbs felt heavy and my breathing felt disconnected. I kept jogging. And then I went to the grocery store, showered, made and ate lunch, edited this essay and some other writing, looked through my calendar for the week, and cleaned the kitchen. I went to an event to support a friend. I dressed for another. I smiled and talked and when I ignored the sadness it stayed present but it did not overwhelm me.
All of this to say, I am starting to very much believe that I can take care of myself. I am starting to believe that I can accomplish things and perhaps even thrive. Perhaps taking the long road to the top of the mountain is how I will build strong legs. And while I should have learned to do all of these things at least a decade ago, I am proud of myself for catching up. And I am okay with telling people that I am proud of something that seems so silly.
I love you more than you know- you get me through days like today.
xx
Hannah
PS: I even made 6 different important phone calls that I would normally put off for weeks! She’s a new woman!
i can relate so hard. rooting for you!
way to go hannah 🤍