Going Through Something

the 9th draft of 'Hannah Stella tries to explain one of the most surreal experiences of her life'

I do not want people to think I think I am ‘cool’ or ‘better than them’ or even ‘interesting’. Though, ironically, I do want people to think that I am cool and interesting. The mind is a paradox!

That’s why I have written and deleted this essay eight times and counting. I am writing about the experience of Going Through Something (a divorce!) ‘publicly’; in order to write about the experience I need to acknowledge that my job, to some extent, is to be interesting to people I have not met. And I worry that acknowledging that makes me seem like I am arrogant. I do not mind if people think that I am stupid or ugly or weird or crazy or annoying but the idea that a group of strangers might think that I have a big head is horrifying. Perhaps that’s all the Capricorn in my chart?

On July 3rd I posted a tiktok disclosing that my then husband and I were separating. Because I have a moderately sized social media following and because I had not, previously, discussed any of the details of my relationship, the tiktok went semi-viral and while the majority of the comments were extremely supportive, I was naively surprised by how many of the comments assumed details of my break up. Comments like:

“Seems like a lot of ‘influencers’ husbands are leaving them. Might be sick of all the photos and living online. Don’t blame them.” 

and

“The scariest part about making your entire life about relying on someone else is that they can always leave.” 

as an aside— the vast majority of your comments were extremely supportive and kind, I appreciate them more than you know. I am sorry that this essay isn’t adequately addressing what your support means to me.

Whenever I allude to my break up on tiktok, invariably, there are comments where people assume their guesses about the circumstances of my break up are fact. Like this one:

“I think in time, these videos will help other people who experience unexpected divorce and partner abandonment” 

Now, my friends, I understand that by making the decision to post about my life on the internet I have opened myself up to speculation and criticism. This is not an essay of complaints! This is an essay about how strange it is to sit in a hotel room after announcing to hundreds of thousands of strangers (and also, hundreds or thousands of not strangers who learned the ‘news’ via social media) that you and your husband are separating and to read comments that assume details about the circumstances of your break up that you haven’t disclosed.

It’s extremely weird.

It is extremely surreal to read comments asking questions about your personal and financial life that you don’t have the answers to yet. It is even more surreal to read people (typically incorrectly) comment back with answers to those questions.

My ex called me several weeks ago, shortly after I posted The TikTok. He was upset because people assumed he was a cheater and the kind of guy who would simply abandon his wife. He is not a cheater. He is not the type of guy who simply abandons anything. That made me really really sad. The most difficult part of this whole process has been my inability to protect the people in my life from speculation.

But speculation is also very normal. I also speculate! Sometimes publicly! My friends and I speculate about our acquaintances and about celebrities. Curiosity is also very normal. And while I do think that, you know, perhaps, people should consider keeping certain questions to themselves, sometimes I read a question like “where are you going to live?” and think “you know, I would like to know the answer to that as well.”

Divorce is a legal process and I am an adult with boundaries and so I will not answer every question or correct every mistaken assumption. I do not expect anyone to feel bad for me, I know that people do not feel bad for women with collections of Hermes bags (yes the bags are mine; all of my jewelry, clothing, and personal effects belong to me).

I hoped that by writing this (nine times) I would reach a profound conclusion about perception and womanhood or gender or gossip. That has not happened.

Last week I got some very scary news. I sat on the couch by myself and texted a few of my friends. I was ugly crying, lots of snot, drinking brandy over ice out of a coffee cup covered in cartoons of cats wearing hats. My face was swollen not from crying but from a histamine reaction. (I have had histamine reactions after prolonged periods of difficulty since I was a kid; I am, apparently, allergic to stress.) And I thought about the inspirational memes that people post some times, pictures of themselves as children captioned, “imagine what this little girl would think if she could see you now.” and I thought imagine! that really made me laugh.

Life is extremely weird. That’s my profound conclusion.

Be well, my sisters and brothers in Christ.

Xx

Hannah

PS: Moxie will be a mix of personal musings and other writing that… is not about me. I hope you enjoy all of it! If you do, please consider sharing my newsletter with friends or leaving a comment.

PPS: my essay for paid subscribers on Tuesday will be about my chronic avoidance and an update about the legal part of this mess.