Slay bay-bay
Some notes on confidence and how I find it quickly
Content warning: weight and body image.
At the end of 2023, I took (as the kids say) a little break from slaying. There were a few reasons for this! I had to admit to myself that concussion recovery takes more than two weeks, listen to my body, and actually slow down. I dislike cold weather and New York is cold. I needed to complete my coursework for my undergraduate degree and wanted to do the best job that I could which meant focusing on work product over myself. So I stayed inside, worked, and lived a basically sedentary lifestyle.
I have written before about my relationship with my body and my body’s relationship with men and the world around me. All of that to say, when the new year hit I felt sluggish and insecure. Far from my best.
I have decided that 2024 will be a year that I focus on myself. Productively rather than selfishly. (In 2023, my focus on me had a decidedly selfish slant.) Mainly, that means focusing on my work and mental health. Secondarily, that means prioritizing my physical health and appearance. I care about the way I look. You may judge me for that. It is a part of who I am, who I have always been. I will never be the most beautiful girl in the room. I do not need to be the most beautiful girl in the room! But I am a happier, kinder, more pleasant person when I feel good about myself, physically. Part of this is almost certainly internal, when I feel good I likely act more confident and I concede that confidence often leads to positive feedback. But I will, forever, scream from the rooftops that we should not shame women for caring about the things society rewards them for caring about, even as we work to shift those societal paradigms. And I do believe society is kinder to me when I look my best, even when you control for my confidence. I believe we can live in the world as it is whilst trying to change it! And so I have no guilt about wanting to like the way I look or for wanting other people to like the way that I look.
There is good news, however! I have learned that feeling good about the way that I look is not only about the size of my body or the texture of my skin. It is, more so for me, about taking steps in the ‘right’ direction. Below, a list of three things I have done in the past week that have made me feel at least 85% as confident as I did in October, when I was probably the most confident I have been in my life.
Brow threading and tint
Nothing changes my relationship with my face as immediately and simply as having my brows done. For New Yorkers, I will always endorse a walk-in style threading place over a fancy salon.
Working out
Exercise can, of course, change the way your body looks. Personally, I find that getting into a sustainable workout routine makes me feel great long before there are any physical changes to my body. I am a recent pilates convert, after years of preferring high impact, intense exercise. I’ve done a half dozen or so reformer classes since December and I feel like a new woman. The joy is in the journey. Taking steps to improve how strong I feel makes me as happy as feeling strong does.
Getting dressed
I spent most of December in leggings and an oversized sweatshirt. My preferred lazy girl winter uniform! But a Budwiser sweatshirt does not do for my confidence what flats, a turtleneck, nice jeans, and a leather belt do for my confidence. Getting dressed is one of the great joys of my life, it has been since I was a child. So I dress for myself, even when no one else will see me. I’ve started favoring a henley and slim fit black sweatpants, even when I write at home alone. To me, this feels more put together and I feel better when I feel put together.
My message to you is this! It is okay to be pretty and smart. It is okay to think that the pressure society puts on women is complete bullshit, to work on dismantling the ways you have internalized whatever it is that society has made you feel bad about, and also to understand that the effects of society are real to you and to wear lip gloss and mascara at home, alone. You have my permission to exist the way that makes you most comfortable in the world as it is, even if you’d like to change the world. Go get your eyebrows threaded! (Unless you don’t want to!)
I love you and to me you are beautiful, I promise!
Hannah Stella
PS: if you enjoyed this essay please like, comment, share, or email me! I am here because of you and I am always so truly grateful.
For me it’s a blowout. A good blowout makes me feel like Wonder Woman
Brows forever