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Welcome to the first of two free editions of Moxie this week! I hope you enjoy these snippets of advice! I’ll be back in paid subscribers inboxes tomorrow and in everyone’s on Friday.
I love you, I really do!
Hannah
How to stop expecting myself from others
Think about what you love about your friends! Some of my favorite things about my friends are commonalities! Many of them, however, are things that we don’t have in share. It’s unfair to appreciate someone for their different strengths but shame them for their different weaknesses.
How to stop talking to my ex
It is time for you to be very honest with yourself. What is your goal in speaking to your ex? You do not need to tell me or your friends or your mom or your sister. You don’t even have to say your reasons out loud but you need to be wholly honest with yourself. Do you want closure? Do you want validation? Do you want an emotional crutch while you find a new partner? Do you want to get back together?
Now, think about whether what you want is realistically going to happen, if it isn’t (a hint! You will never get closure) then you owe it to yourself to stop speaking to your ex. If what you want is realistic, ask yourself if it is serving you, is the validation really helping? Is the emotional crutch fair to either of you? You deserve healthy connections. If your goal is to get back together, you should have exactly one honest conversation with your ex where you decide whether that’s something you both want and how to move toward a new relationship with each other.
I think really considering your motivation will help you quit.
My boyfriends actions show that he loves me but he won’t say it, what would you do?
It’s okay to end a relationship with a good person who cannot give you what you need. A desire for verbal validation is completely reasonable. I, personally, would leave.
How do I navigate personal identity when social media pulls you in every direction?
It’s impossible to follow every trend. There are so many trends that, at this point, I think we have no choice but to be ourselves. I have said this before! I am saying it again because I find a lot of comfort in it: authenticity is the only universally positive quality.
As for how to find yourself: it’s okay if it takes time, you can slowly decide what you like and what you do not. If something makes you uncomfortable, physically or mentally, that likely means you do not like it. It’s okay to eliminate it from your life.
How do you know when it’s time for divorce?
I wrote a post in March to help with this!
To that, I would add this! In situations that are not unsafe, you will never really know. At some point you have to jump back into your marriage or you have to leave your husband. There will be moments you’ll think you’ve made the wrong choice. Write down your reasons for leaving or your reasons for staying and trust that the version of you who made that choice knew what was best for the version of you that is sitting on her couch alone at night, terrified and questioning the past, unsure of her choices.
How do I get over a man?
The person who you are looking for is also looking for you. I promise that is true. The version of your ex that lives in your head is not the real living, breathing man who you used to spend your Sundays on long walks with. He is a fictional, idealized version of that man. Take your time, be sad if you need to be sad, take comfort in your friendships and put some effort into the lifelong endeavor of falling and staying in love with yourself.
Things that make you feel better during a sad or hard time?
Happiness is a habit so is positivity. They are not dispositions, you can choose to be happy. (It goes without saying that some people have circumstances beyond their control either from a life perspective or mentally that prevent this, if that is you, I encourage you to seek therapy and medication and unfortunately I am unqualified to help in a real capacity.) When I am sad, I think about all of the things that bring me joy and I work to focus on the positive and happy things in my life. I buy flowers or go for a walk or call a friend or read an old favorite book. I allow myself to be sad for a moment but I do not allow myself to be a sad person.
Personally, I find comfort in humor- even about hard things! An example: my mother spent nearly a decade of my childhood playing a bubble shooting computer game in bed for at least eight or nine hours a day. We were completely neglected. My mom, of course, had mental issues that prevented her from taking care of us but “she’s sick” is cold comfort to a child with fleas. My sister and I were discussing this period of our lives once and she said to me, “Do you know what the most fucked up thing about that was?”
“No.”
“She never even had the top score.” I laugh every time I think about that.
When you can find humor, you can get through the darkest storm. I really believe that.
I LOVE YOU!!!
Hannah