We communicate through our actions. Not only through our words.
Imagine your boyfriend gets out of bed first, makes coffee, and brings it to you in bed every morning. He does not (in my opinion, as I am the person writing this it is all… my opinion) need to say to you, “I make you coffee every morning as a gesture of love and to remind you that I care about you.” Of course, it wouldn’t be inappropriate for him to communicate that verbally, but his actions communicate his thoughtfulness and love without spoken words being necessary.
I have often seen women (in my experience, it has been heterosexual women) online asking for advice about how to handle a situation: they meet a man and begin dating, they spend multiple nights per week together, often the couple says “I love you,” they have clothing at each other’s homes, they spend time with each other’s friends and do things like roast chicken together or spend the weekend in a nearby vacation town, they drop each other off at the airport and stop at the grocery store to pick up eggs and other necessities on the way to each other’s homes. In other words, they behave like two people who are in a relationship. They are, by the communication of their actions and feelings, in a relationship. Often, they’ve been together for months.
And then the woman finds out that the man is having (usually casual) sex with other women. When she confronts him, he says, “we never technically discussed that we would not have sex with other people.”
Usually, the overwhelmingly popular advice is that the monogamous partner was in the wrong for not explicitly saying, “since you invited me to your best friends wedding, introduced me to your grandma, and because we spend 60 plus percent of our free time together, I expect that you aren’t sleeping with other people.” ‘Communication is key!’ People respond, ‘if you do not want your partner to have casual intercourse with the masses, you must tell them! If you did not tell them, you have no right to be upset.’
To me that response makes very little sense.
If a man has spent months acting like your boyfriend, it is normal to be upset- furious even- when you find out that he’s sleeping with other people.
Human emotions are not developed checking boxes in conversations. They are developed through words (for example “I love you”) and actions (for example, consistent dates and communication). When someone spends months acting like they are in a relationship with you, it is normal and rational to believe they are in a relationship with you. I am not saying that verbally communicating your expectations isn’t a good idea, of course it’s a good idea! The best practice! But often, in relationships (including friendships) it does not feel necessary to communicate expectations because our actions communicate so much. And all the time, we are people who make assumptions and don’t always do everything we “should.” When someone’s behavior says that they are with you, you are not in the wrong for being hurt when you discover that they’re pursuing other relationships as well. Those feelings are absolutely normal. You do not need to follow an arbitrary list of steps and yes or no questions in order to have human emotions. You can be upset about whatever you wish to be upset about.
Why shouldn’t the non-monogamous partner have communicated that their intention was to continue seeing other people? No one ever seems to suggest that they should. But to me, that is at least as reasonable to expect, particularly when their actions are in line with traditional monogamy.
I have been in the opposite situation as well! In a relationship with a man who says that he wants to be with me, that he loves and would do anything for me, but does not communicate through his actions that he values me or my contributions to our life together. “But he says he loves you.” Ridiculous. Communication is multilayered and every aspect is important. Relationships are not a series of technicalities, feelings are not written in JavaScript.
I suppose that my point, my girls, is that you are (probably) not crazy, and if someone does something that hurts you, you have a right to explain your feelings and to heal- with or without them. Stay strong and demand the love and respect you give.
all my love and let me know your feelings in the comments,
Hannah
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I agree—and will argue—that actions are more important and instructive of behavior than words. It's the one true "tell" that people give off.
Bless this post. Agree with you 100% and I really think this will resonate with many women here.