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Hello my girls!
After a very chaotic year (I told you all that my ex-husband and I were separating on July 3, 2022; time has moved very quickly and very slowly since then, depending on the day) I finally feel good. I feel more settled, I feel attractive, I feel completely in control of my life for the first time ever. There are many things I miss about men and being in a relationship. Companionship, sex, being silly, the excitement of early stage dating! But I am also very much enjoying life on my own. I have some anxieties, of course. The largest one being income in the long term. I am very proud to earn income as a writer and I am optimistic but terrified about pursuing writing as a long term career path. I do not think I have changed in the last twelve months, I think I have become more myself but in some ways who I am surprises me.
One of the ways that my perspective has shifted- when it comes to the idea of dating, I have become much more (or much less, depending upon how you look at it) superficial. I have always cared about financial stability but I have never cared about money in a magnificent sense. I have no desire to own a mega yacht or be with a billionaire. That is not a fact about me that has changed. (I know some of you do not believe me, think what you wish!) However, I always imagined that if I ever found myself single in my 30s, I would date men in their 40s or even early 50s. It just seemed like a relationship with that age gap would be easier. And, actually, I don’t want to do that. On Tuesday I wrote about sex- sex is important to me. And I am, for the most part, attracted to men around my age. I am not willing to sacrifice attraction for anything. This part is shameful to admit- I also care about people’s perception of me and my relationships in a superficial way. I was out one night a few weeks ago and a man who clearly had a little bit of money but who was about two decades my senior and not my physical type was flirting with me and I found myself glancing around the bar, hoping people did not think we were together. I didn’t want strangers to assume my attention was for purchase and if that man and I were together, I know people would think that was why. It would have been why. Of course, the superficial stuff melts away as you get to know someone. I do not expect anyone I end up with to look the same forever and I really do not judge people who pick partners who work for their needs, whatever those may be. Who knows, maybe I’ll meet a much older George Clooney lookalike or fall in love with someone who isn’t my “type” over a deep conversation at a party and have to eat crow.
But I digress! I have found this inner peace and sense of fulfillment and contentment through changing my habits. Here are a few of the things I have changed that have helped me feel more competent and confident. I would love to know the habits that help you as well!
-I wake up early and eat breakfast. (Though I do not eat breakfast early.) For most of my adult life, I’ve woken up between nine and ten am. Now, I get up between six and seven, make coffee, go for a walk, and start on my tasks for the day. I was never a breakfast person but I started getting hungry in the mornings and when I am hungry I eat, usually around 8 or 9. I think breakfast has really helped my focus and energy throughout the day.
-I schedule workout classes. This is probably unique to me as a freelancer but having something on the books for the day helps me set the rest of my schedule and stick to it. When I wake up in the morning and plan to write at some point, I often write at no point. By scheduling a workout class, where the time and location cannot be changed, I am able to more effectively schedule the rest of the day. A little structure helps a lot!
-I (mostly) don’t drink. I have had a few glasses of wine since my 21 days without any alcohol ended but I now drink only occasionally and only socially. Relative sobriety has given me longer days and productive evenings.
-I make most of my own meals. Cooking is centering and healthful. I usually make a curry a few times a week and eat it for a few days. One of the joys of living alone is that a homemade meal lasts longer!
I love you and I would love to know what you want, what you do to help center yourself, and how you’re doing!
xx
Hannah
I totally agree about having one "must-do" scheduled; it's so helpful to keep you on track.
I went to an all girls school for 12 yrs. One teacher there loved to remind us on the reg the importance of physical attraction in a marriage, how it’s key to a healthy, successful marriage. So there you go! Passing on her advice.😘 I left a long term relationship because I wasn’t physically attracted to my partner. It was tough! Not an easy decision but not fair to either of us.