What is a lie?

Something I've been thinking about for a while

A very few people are very mad at me (or, more probably, passively mad at me whenever their For You Pages remind them of my existence) because I have not made a TikTok explaining the messy, raw details of why my marriage ended. There seem to be three basic complaints:

1. You share everything else, why won’t you share this?

2. It isn’t right to share information on Substack, behind a paywall, when you will not share it publicly.

3. People have a right to be curious and ask questions, this is your job and you have an obligation to be polite to your clients. And, as a corollary, that my unwillingness to make a public proclamation that I am the victim means that I am the villain.

I am going to address these three things and my thoughts about them and then get into a more theoretical discussion about what I think people in the public eye owe the people who consume their work and about where the line is between lying by omission and choosing not to share something. I invite all of you to share your own thoughts in the comments here or via DM or email, I think it’s a really interesting, layered topic where many views are equally valid.

To the criticism!

You share everything else, why won’t you share this?

The truth is, I have never been the type of content creator who shares everything and I also never claimed to be the “real, raw, show it all” type of content creator. I think I create honest work and share my real views and personality, I share a lot of my past, but I do not often share my personal relationships, romantic or with friends. I have looked back through TikTok and Instagram posts and I honestly fail to see any place where I shared the type of content that indicates that I would share personal details about a break up. I feel that, while I did portray selected positive moments from my marriage particularly on instagram (and there were many many more positive moment that were not shared), I always kept the details of my relationships private. I spoke about being married and a housewife, those were my realities. I reference being divorced now, that is also my reality.

I write about my feelings in a very honest way but I try to be very respectful of the fact that there are other people, whose feelings are just as valid as my own, who do not have the platform I have to share their feelings. I try to be very clear that my feelings and opinions are my own and I also try to portray others in a respectful and honest but positive light. I try to create content that has some value, even if that value is only silly entertainment. While I certainly understand how the gritty details of a break up scratch a schadenfreude-adjacent itch, I don’t think a video explanation of the details of my divorced has value. I do see how a longer, written story where I have the time and space to reflect and share a nuanced and balanced tale (even if it’s from my perspective and therefore inherently biased) would be valuable. If I share the story, it will be in memoir form where, I believe, tidbits are less likely to be taken out of context. (Is there anything the internet loves more than taking a tidbit out of context?)

I have seen creators whose brand is, more or less, look at our perfect, happy, silly relationship. And sometimes those creators’ relationships end, seemingly suddenly, and their audience feels betrayed. I really understand that. If I make the decision to share more of future relationships and those relationships end, I will also feel obliged to share more of the details. I just really don’t believe that I shared anything about my marriage that entitles a TikTok audience to the details of its end.

It isn’t right to share information on Substack, behind a paywall, when you will not share it publicly.

I am a writer and content creator, that is my job. Writing is one of the oldest professions in the world. Credited writing dates back over 4000 years. Writing is real work. The vast majority of the content I create is free to consume and comment on, on TikTok, Instagram, and this Substack. (I suppose, technically, about half of the content I write for Substack is free.) I put significant effort into my writing (and into my social media, but I’m writing about writing right now.) I work just as hard on my free writing as on content I put behind a paywall. Often, the difference between the two is just that there is more content for paid subscribers. Sometimes, if something particularly salacious happens or if an essay is particularly personal, (two of my favorite personal essays and one salacious one linked) I choose to send that content out on Tuesdays, when my paywall essays are published. I feel more comfortable with fewer and more supportive eyes on those words. I will not apologize for that and I do not think it’s a money grab. This Substack is many things but it isn’t a “pay for tea” publication.

I do not think that I am the greatest contemporary writer. I do think I am a reasonably talented writer and that my work has value. I also know that by consistently publishing paid Substack content, I am able to be selective about which, if any, paid ads I publish on other platforms and I am able to avoid spamming my Instagram stories with constant affiliate links. Being paid for this work allows me to be authentic online. This is, of course, also my pitch. If you find value in my content on Substack or on other platforms, I would appreciate if you would consider becoming a paid subscriber. You’ll have access to my full archive of paid content as well as my (occasionally juicier) Tuesday essays. Right now, the majority of my income comes from Substack and I find tremendous value in the creative freedom that income gives me on all platforms.

People have a right to be curious and ask questions, this is your job and you have an obligation to be polite to your clients. And, as a corollary, that my unwillingness to make a public proclamation that I am the victim means that I am the villain.

I have never been offended or snarky to a politely worded question! Even if I do not answer it. I sometimes respond, with snark or silliness, when someone responds to my good natured and clear side stepping with cruelty, accusations, or nastiness. I have, since I started posting on TikTok, sometimes responded to rude comments with videos. I also sometimes post rude DMs (and tag the account that sent them.) I do not think that I have an extremely hard job but sometimes nastiness does get to me and responding makes me feel better. I have a right to respond to nastiness as I see fit. I believe that at this point, anyone leaving a rude or prying comment or DM- particularly one that indicates they have followed me for a while- is aware of the possibility that I will respond publicly. I generally think I am polite, and grateful, to the people who consume my content.

I also try to think through and respond thoughtfully to criticism that is valid, reasonable, or kindly worded. I am sure at least a few of you can attest to this.

To the second point, I believe my unwillingness to air dirty laundry publicly or say “I was the victim” means that I am an adult with reasonable boundaries and life experiences that have taught me very few stories have a perfect victim and a perfect villain. Because I share my life online, I open myself up to criticism and speculation. I understand that but I cannot respond to all of it and I certainly will not respond with “tea” that paints someone else in a negative light so that people wont assume bad things about me. I think that’s gross behavior and I hope I never stoop to it.

…

On to the thoughts!

I made a TikTok today about the proliferation of sourceless gossip (in the context of the Arielle Charnas rumors) where I advised everyone to consider whether media is journalism or (fun) sourceless chatter. That is not what I am going to write about here! But it does provide some context for the discussion. I follow Arielle on Instagram and have for a long time. She is not a woman I follow particularly closely. When I see criticism of her, most often, (not always, I am aware there are valid things to criticize about her) people complain that she pretends her life is perfect.

It’s possible that she does this, her life does look pretty perfect. But content creators are also allowed to share good things, pretty things, expensive things, without sharing the bad parts of their lives and relationships. I see both sides, I do! I understand that sharing messy bits, human moments, can be very authentic. It can make people more likable. But I think that a woman’s decision to share only positive parts of her life can have many valid reasons. Julia Berolzheimer, a mother of two, has a beautiful, curated feed. She doesn’t share videos of her children crying or stories of squabbles with her husband. This could be because she wants you to think her life is effortless and that she’s better than you. It seems much more likely, to me, that she shares the pretty parts to protect her children and her marriage. I do not think that deciding not to share bad things is a lie, I don’t even think it’s a lie of omission.

I do, however, think it is lying, to make content that intentionally deceives the audience. It is lying to say, explicitly, “I have a perfect marriage and a perfect husband” when you and your husband fight constantly and you’re miserable day-to-day. I just think sometimes we infer perfection, get angry because we know that isn’t real, and blame someone for lying when they haven’t.

Let me put it this way, I don’t think any relationship has been saved because its worst moments were shared publicly. And I think many people value their family, friends, spouses, more than they value views.

So what do creators owe their audience? This is what I have pieced out, having done this work for nearly two years. Creators owe people honesty. “I am not comfortable talking about that,” whether stated in those words, in a sillier way, or by not speaking about a topic at all is honesty. I consider it my obligation to consistently produce content (I am aware that in times of personal crisis I have failed to do that, I apologize. I didn’t feel comfortable speaking about the overwhelming things in my life, and couldn’t find a way to speak about fashion or socialite history, so I said nothing at all.) I believe I owe it to you all to reflect upon and consider criticism. I don’t believe creators are obliged to agree with all criticism. If a creator makes a hurtful error, their audience is owed a heartfelt apology. But I also believe creators have a right to reflect and determine whether an apology, public or otherwise is needed and whether they can provide a sincere one.

Finally, I don’t think this is owed, but I hope my content in particular is enjoyable, I hope it provides- at different times- escapism, laughter, and a feeling of community. I hope that it makes you think. I am so grateful.

Warmly and with so much love,

Hannah Stella

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