Aplomb Where You're Planted

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I’ve written about this before. I did not realize that it was possible to legally divorce without appearing in court and so I was shocked and, honestly, a bit traumatized when I found out via email that I was legally single. I have also written (what feels like extensively to me) about feeling extremely depressed a few months after my divorce was finalized.

I felt good, really good, while I was separated and getting divorced. Terrified but empowered. I trusted myself to have the tenacity to build a new life. I can be naive, think I’m immune to feelings that are all but universal. Of course I felt sad on many occasions but I didn’t feel a deep sense of despair. That came later. Looking back, I should have predicted a massive crash in my mental health. I think I was running on adrenaline. Ignoring all feelings except determination. But when there’s too much water in the dam, it overflows. And so I crashed, hard and fast and horribly, some time in October or November.

But I am an adult. As an adult, it is my responsibility to find resources- friends, therapists, activities- to improve my mental health. It is my responsibility to work, to take care of myself, to read and answer my emails in a timely manner. (I am still working on the last one, it’s the most difficult thing for me.) I am not a child, I cannot sit in despair and wait for someone to deal with the consequences of my situation for me. An unfortunate reality is that, regardless of whether our circumstances are our fault, we are the only people who can fix our own lives. Yes, often with a lot of help from others, but never without helping ourselves.

And so I decided to figure it out. It was- is- a learning curve. Until last week, it had been over ten years since I had washed my own sheets. I had horrible credit- so bad I could not rent a car. (The reason for this have to do with a personal matter where someone close to me- who I do not intend to press charges against- took out loans in my name without my knowledge.) I always figured that if I had money I would never need credit. That is untrue. My girls, you need credit. (My credit is good now!) I had never grocery shopped for more than two meals at one time. I was an expensively dressed child in a woman’s body.

I realize a lot of this may seem trite. Reminiscent of silly infographics glorifying hustle culture at worst, obvious and pathetic at best. But I think sometimes reminders of simple truths are valuable. Sometimes knowing other people understand mundane, common struggles can bring a little bit of peace.

This nurse shark (I believe it’s a nurse) has been swimming around my boat the past few days. I couldn’t get over how close to the surface he was! A very cool experience that I’m incredibly grateful for.

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A candid aside: my ex-husband and I had a minimal separation period before divorcing. I think that was the wrong way to go about things. My advice would be, except in extenuating circumstances such as abuse, to separate for at least 6 months before divorcing. There are various legal options for dividing assets while legally married and I believe that an adjustment period would have been very helpful on the mental health front. If you’d like my personal advice on a situation, you can always email or DM me.

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Here is what I have come to recently, now that I am out of the thickest, cloudiest parts of depression: I can allow myself to enjoy this phase of my life without committing to living this life forever. I am fortunate because I have time to decide what I truly want.

I have many wonderful things. I am unimaginably lucky that, after giving up any semblance of a career while in my mid-20s, I have the opportunity- through Substack and social media- to make a new career for myself. I have wanted to be a writer since I was a child and it is not lost on me how fortunate I am to make an income doing something I love. Many very talented writers struggle for years to find an audience.

I own a nice, safe boat and am able to work while living on it, exploring the Bahamas in a way that very few people are privileged to do. I have many good friends, soulmate friends. I have enough financial cushion to spend this time learning new things and growing my creative career rather than working a traditional job.

I have the financial resources to allow myself to be depressed without worrying that a period of depression will forever ruin my livelihood. I can barely fathom how beyond fortunate I am.

I do not know how many 32 year old divorcees have these kind of resources but I imagine the number is very few. I am incredibly lucky.

And yet, many times I feel dread or despair or fear or that the life I am living might not be the life for me. And in those moments I have learned to change my thinking, very subtly, from “what if I’ve made a massive mistake” to “its okay if after a few months I decide living on a boat isn’t for me. This is an experience I am very lucky to have and I am allowed to enjoy things without dedicating my entire life to them.”

It’s a small distinction, an obvious reformation. But it’s also a powerful one. I am not committing to spending the next decade at sea. I am committing to spending the next few months learning new skills. I am not committing to making TikToks forever, I am committing to putting real work into producing content on a platform that has brought me a lot of joy.

I am committing to a career as a writer. I using that commitment to learn the un-fun parts of this career. Time management, developing a strong independent work ethic, building connections.

Sometimes, all it takes is a little attitude shift and a lot of aplomb.

I love you, I really do,

Hannah Stella

PS: If you have any other simple advice for me or other readers of this publication, please comment it below!!