Since I've come home

well, my body's been a mess

My father is an alcoholic. My mother is an alcoholic.

I am not an alcoholic. But I have been drinking too much the last few weeks. Honestly, I’ve been drinking too much the last few months.

And so I am taking a break, a week off. I have never felt, for myself, that complete abstinence was the answer to periods of too much… anything. Moderation always felt like the correct answer. Particularly in my social circle, having a drink with dinner or meeting a friend for happy hour is a near nightly occurrence. But my skin and hair and sleep are out of wack, I am stressed and overwhelmed and my coping has been imperfect. I need a real break.

I am a little nervous about it (I realize many of you will think that indicates that I am an alcoholic, that’s okay! Think what you wish!) because I am very social and very reliant on my friends and alcohol is the focus or the side character of most adult social interactions, at least in my cohort. I am worried that I’ll end up distant and lonely.

But I do not want to write about drinking, I want to write about the physical effects of stress, as I’ve experienced them, and about the importance of slowing down and trying to take care of yourself when the world feels like it’s swirling around you.

for context, here is a partial snapshot of my home bar, I LOVE to host

If you’re a new Moxie reader and you’re wondering why I have been stressed, first of all: welcome! I am so happy you’re here! A summary of some recent events:

• Until recently, I was a real housewife. Not of the Bravo subtype (though that would be very cool!) rather a married adult woman with no job or income source independent of my now ex-husband. I have not had a “real job” since I was 25 years old. I am almost 32.

• My ex and I decided to separate and were legally divorced within 100 days. I wrote about that experience in September.

• While on an extended trip to South Africa and Mozambique, I found out that someone has been breaking into my home and… stealing my underwear. A surreal, violating, and disconcerting experience. (I haven’t mentioned this here before, only on TikTok, if it’s interesting I’ll write more about it as the situation resolves.)

• Given the sexual stalking, I did not feel comfortable returning to my house, so I was staying in hotels, airbnbs, and with friends from mid-July until a few days ago. I ate mostly fast food or in restaurants and did very little exercise.

• I have no idea if I am making the right choices.

• I have a small to medium sized following on TikTok and Instagram. Going though something like this publicly has added stress. It has also given me advice, support, outpourings of good will, laughter, and hope.

Emotionally, I mostly feel okay. I, of course, feel anxious, sad, and stressed but I’ve managed to keep a positive outlook and a good sense of humor about things most of the time.

Physically, I am falling apart. I have developed severe itching and dermatographia (I’ll spare you the personal photos), my face keeps swelling the same way it does whenever I have an allergic reaction- sort of like an Avatar but not in a beautiful way, I cannot sleep past 4 am, I find it difficult to exercise even though I crave exercise, I have gained and lost about ten pounds several times without trying to do either. I never had acne as a teenager but I have it now. Painful zits all along my jawline.

You could make the argument that my physical symptoms mean I am not as emotionally okay as I think I am. I am not, generally, a worrier. This sounds like a good quality but it’s actually a bad one. Worry is a protective emotion.

And so, this week, I am trying to get myself back on track. I’m taking antihistamines at the recommendation of a physician, I am not drinking any alcohol. I am making my meals at home. I am easing back into my exercise routine. Walks and a little weight lifting at first, more intense exercise whenever I feel ready. I am home.

I am hopeful that a physical reset will settle my body a little.

I am also allowing myself to nap, to take two baths a day (I realize that being able to nap and take two naps a day is a tremendous privilege.) I am staying off my phone and reading more. (A tip! I’ve found it very easy to read thrillers during all of this; the non-fiction I usually gravitate toward has been a little overwhelming.) I am writing more and focusing on the things in my life that I am proud of, this newsletter is at the top of that list.

I am using a lot of body oils (they’re better than lotion! I like this one.) I am getting dressed and calling my friends. I am trying to remember that the insecurity and horrible feelings are temporary. I am finding the humor in my situation. The only way out is up, the only failure is prolonged inaction. (Doing nothing is also making a choice!)

I am not reading any self-help books, I think they’re profoundly annoying.

I do not expect any of you to feel bad for me. I am not a victim, I’m not even sure that I am a protagonist. But if you needed it, here’s your permission to take a break, whether for a few minutes or a few weeks- whatever life allows.

I will leave you with two pieces of advice from my ex-husband. The first is relevant to my situation now and the second is inherently valuable and, I think, a good metaphor for many situations.

“There is always a path back to the top.”

“It’s better to make an honest buck than a dishonest buck fifty.”

All my love and thank you, so much, for reading!

xx

Hannah

PS: thank you SO much to the substack team for featuring Moxie this week! I am so grateful and so proud!

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